The victim of the car crash that saw Prince Philip overturn his Land Rover has suggested he should be prosecuted. Instead the BBC have taken the rather obvious step of making him the lead presenter of ‘Top Gear’. Creakingly old, inherently bigoted and being entirely funded by the public, this cheap reversal gag could apply to either the Queen’s husband or Top Gear.
Under the proposed changes, anyone caught trying to sneak an extra Hovis Best of Both through the self-service checkouts at ASDA would immediately be taken to a place of execution and hanged by the neck until they are dead. It has been suggested that the supermarket car park might be an ideal venue, with the condemned to be charged 10p if they forget to bring a reusable execution hood.
Built using an advanced form of 3D printing known as flushing, the fatberg consists of discarded wet wipes, hardened fat, and the excess sugar no longer legally required to animate children. Commissioned by the Royal Navy, this latest carbon-neutral addition to the fleet will be in full service within eight weeks – joining HMS Mersey in her efforts to deter migrants from crossing the channel.
A Ministry of Defence spokesman said: “We are deploying specialist equipment to Heathrow Airport at the request of the Metropolitan Police.” The ‘specialist equipment’ in question consisted of a number of large sticks and bits of gravel from the floor of one of Heathrow’s long-stay car parks. The Met called for military assistance after their own specially trained officers failed to bring down the drone by pinging elastic bands into the air.
The boat contained six life jackets, personal possessions and a milk carton cut to be used to bail out water. Presumably it was the milk carton that gave the dinghy a tactical edge over a 1700 tonne gunship armed with machine guns and a fifty-strong crew that had been deployed specifically to tackle the ‘migrant crisis’.