Crime

Prince Philip car crash latest: Revealed as new presenter of ‘Top Gear’

January 22, 2019

The victim of the car crash that saw Prince Philip overturn his Land Rover has suggested he should be prosecuted. Instead the BBC have taken the rather obvious step of making him the lead presenter of ‘Top Gear’. Creakingly old, inherently bigoted and being entirely funded by the public, this cheap reversal gag could apply to either the Queen’s husband or Top Gear.

Government considers scrapping jail sentences for minor offenders. “Hanging is far more cost-effective” say ministers.

January 13, 2019

Under the proposed changes, anyone caught trying to sneak an extra Hovis Best of Both through the self-service checkouts at ASDA would immediately be taken to a place of execution and hanged by the neck until they are dead. It has been suggested that the supermarket car park might be an ideal venue, with the condemned to be charged 10p if they forget to bring a reusable execution hood.

A fatberg longer than Nelson’s Column is being released from a sewer under Sidmouth. The Royal Navy estimate it’ll be ready for border duty in eight weeks

A fatberg longer than Nelson’s Column is being released from a sewer under Sidmouth. The Royal Navy estimate it’ll be ready for border duty in eight weeks.

January 9, 2019

Built using an advanced form of 3D printing known as flushing, the fatberg consists of discarded wet wipes, hardened fat, and the excess sugar no longer legally required to animate children. Commissioned by the Royal Navy, this latest carbon-neutral addition to the fleet will be in full service within eight weeks – joining HMS Mersey in her efforts to deter migrants from crossing the channel.

Military called yet again to help with airport security. New army adverts to show soldiers dealing with drones to better reflect daily responsibilities

Military called yet again to help with airport security. New army adverts to show soldiers dealing with drones to better reflect daily responsibilities.

January 9, 2019

A Ministry of Defence spokesman said: “We are deploying specialist equipment to Heathrow Airport at the request of the Metropolitan Police.” The ‘specialist equipment’ in question consisted of a number of large sticks and bits of gravel from the floor of one of Heathrow’s long-stay car parks. The Met called for military assistance after their own specially trained officers failed to bring down the drone by pinging elastic bands into the air.

“Mercy Mercy Me” says Sheeran – “What’s going on?! I’ve never listened to Marvin Gaye in my life. I’ve only ever heard his name through the Grapevine”.

January 6, 2019

Despite this, Judge Louis Stanton declared that he found ‘substantial similarities between several of the two works’ musical elements’. Ed Sheeran strenuously denies the claims, saying he would never copy the Motown legend in any way at all, and that his song ‘Ain’t nothing like the real thing’.