Business

Tesco, Waitrose, Aldi and Travelodge are latest to announce merger. Becoming the absolutely massive 'TWATs'

Tesco, Waitrose, Aldi and Travelodge are latest to announce merger. Becoming the absolutely massive ‘TWATs’.

February 27, 2019

A spokesman for the soon-to-be-massive TWATs explained that they’d included the budget hotel chain in the deal in order to give customers somewhere nice to stay while waiting in the checkout queues. Those queues are set to get longer and longer, as the monopoly the massive TWATs will have will mean an end to expensive, outdated notions like customer service and properly staffed stores.

Shares in Kraft Heinz hit historic low. Bean counters blamed

Shares in Kraft Heinz hit historic low. Bean counters to blame.

February 25, 2019

“This story is half baked and doesn’t to amount to a hill of beans,” a spokesman stated without a hint of irony, insisting whispers attributing the decline in sales to their tinned liquid products as “mere soup-erstition and roux-mer.” He failed to respond when asked if the company’s failure to act in a timely manner could be seen as kicking the can down the road.

7 additional uses for the Samsung Galaxy Fold (Yes! It can even support a disintegrating Kebab)

7 additional uses for the Samsung Galaxy Fold (Yes! It can even support a disintegrating Kebab).

February 23, 2019

I have a very short Mohawk haircut, could it protect my hair in inclement weather? Can it operate as an emergency support structure for a disintegrating kebab? I’m an avid reader, utilising the unique flexibility of the Fold could I use it as a bookmark in a real book? If I’m playing football and forget a shin pad will the Fold be a game-winning substitute? The answer to all these is yes, and it’s a phone.