“From today we’ll be offering Turkey Twizzlers and chips, deep fried onion rings, burgers and kebabs of dubious meat origin and whatever else people want, to be honest. I know I did that thing on TV about getting kids to eat healthily, but this menu will mostly be for adults, who are able to make up their own mind about how healthy they want to be.”
Business
Milkshake industry sees surge in profits thanks to European elections.
May 20, 2019The Association of Milkshake Producers (TAMP) said the European election campaign has seen profits soar. A spokesman for TAMP said, ‘UKIP may have left a sour taste in many mouths, but for us it’s just the sweet taste of success.’
Brexit Stockpiling boosts economy. “Leave” MPs line up to claim that was their plan all along. “If we push back til 2022 we’ll be bigger than China!”.
May 12, 2019“We’ve accidently discovered a fantastic economic model” said chancellor Phillip Hammond, “create sheer panic for consumers and businesses, tell them nothing and extend at the last minute when they’ve already prepared like we’re living in zombie apocalypse.”
UK economy on the rebound after being dumped by Brexit
May 10, 2019The Office for National Statistics said the first quarter of 2019 has seen impressive figures. The economy has been extremely active on Instagram in increasingly revealing outfits and is said to be pleased that its figure has been noticed.
Estate agent’s struggles lift spirits more than royal baby
May 7, 2019In a statement Purplebricks said, ‘Going forward, we have a very clear understanding of the levers available to us to achieve growth.’ Those levers are said to be, talking shit, doing bugger all, and raking in the cash.
Slovakian-built Land Rover will contribute nothing but look British – like blue passports and Katie Hopkins
May 1, 2019James Attwood of Autocar magazine said, ‘of the range of engines that are going to be built for the new vehicle, a number are going to be built in the UK.’ And that number is 7.
Lloyds of London ban boozy lunches. Exodus of staff to hit harder than Brexit.
April 10, 2019Lloyd’s of London insurance market, in the City of London, is setting out a new code of conduct to remind its staff that alcohol and drugs are unacceptable in the workplace. The move is expected to see an exodus of staff which will put the unemployment consequences of Brexit to shame.
‘Worst’ short-haul airline Ryanair finally makes it into a Top Ten. Europe’s Top Ten polluters.
April 2, 2019Ryanair has made it into the list of Europe’s top ten polluters – the only company on the list that doesn’t run on a coal-fired power plant. Ryanair instead runs on the failed hopes and dreams of its customers – who were wishing upon a star they’d get to travel with anyone but the budget airline
Male birth control pill passes human safety test. “Won’t stop you catching knob rot though, will it?” say a panicked Durex
March 27, 2019The announcement signals the completion of the easy part of the long awaited ‘Male contraceptive pill’ – the development and testing of a pill that is safe for men to use without any significant side-effects. The hardest part will be getting men, who on average tend to take at least six months to complete an item on their ‘to do’ list, to remember to take it.
Google to leave EU (#GEXIT) rather than pay €1.49bn fine. AskJeeves poised for a comeback.
March 21, 2019This is the third EU fine for the online giant in two years but, after a cursory Google, it’s impossible to find any evidence of the other two. Although there are a lot of ads for the Gleave campaign.
