This is the third EU fine for the online giant in two years but, after a cursory Google, it’s impossible to find any evidence of the other two. Although there are a lot of ads for the Gleave campaign.
Business
B&Q’s (female) boss ousted after profits fall to the floor. “Would’ve stayed up if she’d used a flathead instead of a Phillips” say nation’s dads.
March 21, 2019‘Major companies are just like DIY projects – once it’s fallen down, it’s way more difficult to put it back up’ said father of 2 and keen home improvement fan Adam, 47, from Cheshire, with a pencil behind his ear and a tape measure clipped to the waistband of his light wash jeans. ‘You’ve got to get it right first time.
MySpace loses 12 years of data. Chris Grayling probably somehow to blame.
March 19, 2019MySpace apologised on Monday, admitting it suffered a massive data loss due to a system migration, wiping out 12 years worth of…
Travelodge handles Brexit staffing crisis by recruiting parents. Will read guests a bed time story after checking them in.
March 19, 2019Travelodge will save money by paying minimum wage to its ‘parent’ workers. “Their skills have been put to use for free for many years already with their own children, with little thanks or praise, so why pay more?” said a spokesperson, “We intend to maintain this lack of appreciation throughout their employment.”
McDonald’s defend controversial monopoly campaign: only way Under 50s can buy property in London these days.
March 18, 2019Average house prices in London are now pushing £500k and even a one bedroom flat costs between £850 -1000 per month to rent. One London landlord, who refused to be named, bought a happy meal during last year’s Monopoly campaign, and has since converted the box into a bedsit for illegal immigrants which nets him £2000 per week in tax free income.
Wetherspoons profits plunge after Tim Martin inspires punters to just walk away without settling their bills
March 16, 2019Pre-tax profits at pub chain Wetherspoons fell by 19% to £50.3m to the end of January. The drop in profits is being blamed on an increasing number of customers heeding the advice given by the chain’s founder Tim Martin and simply walking away rather than hanging about and settling their bill before they leave.
Two of Facebook’s top-dogs to exit. Zuckerberg blocked them for posting too many tedious pics of their lunch.
March 15, 2019Mr Cox joined in 2005, a year after Facebook was founded. But his picture of a quinoa kebab with lentil sauce was too much for Zuckerberg who immediately posted an angry emoji and then blocked Cox before he could reply. Mr Cox’s wife responded by posting ‘WTF snake. Yeah you know who u r’
Shell boss’ salary doubles to £17m. He’s finally able to move out of his parent’s house.
March 15, 2019Mr van Beurden’s father, Ben van Beurden Sr, aged 98, is arguably the most thrilled by the salary increase. “All he did was sit in his room on his Xbox, swearing at 12-year-olds online for cheating at FIFA” said van Beurden Sr. “He barely ever did his chores. His Lamborghini hasn’t been washed in weeks and the van Gogh in the conservatory is filthy”.
Carbon-Neutral Dairy Farms not possible, say Vegan Society. “More effective to spend the money stopping Piers Morgan spouting so much hot air”.
March 12, 2019Although a large percentage of global greenhouse gas emissions come from cows and the dairy industry supply chain, a more effective method of cutting emissions would be to get Piers Morgan to stop spouting hot air. He currently accounts for around 51% of all toxic gases produced.
Vegan pie wins at the British Pie Awards. Piers Morgan found sobbing in an abattoir.
March 10, 2019Piers has taken the news worst of all. This is unsurprising, given that even his name is more than 50% pie. The fact that he’s a walking temper tantrum made entirely of dead animal and masquerading as a human being may also have something to do with it.
