Where 25-year-old Cecilia Manduca works there is a “pay self-assessment process”. Put simply, the workers there decide how much they are worth and should be paid. The House of Commons also introduced this system six months ago and there is now a ninety-year waiting list for jobs. Cleaner Anna Moldova, who had been on ten-pounds per hour, currently earns 200k per annum.
‘They’ve had enough time now and they need to stop fannying about and just get on with fixing the problem. People are relying on them to find a solution, and they need to do it pretty damn quick. I mean, what would it be like if the government conducted their business like this? Chaos. That’s what. The pound would fall, business would struggle, we’d have shortages of food and medicine, and the prime minister would look like a complete moron. We’d be an absolute laughing stock.’
Mr Smith, The Bristol resident opened a can of Heinz beans, and was met with the depressing sight of a near empty can. The company has apologised, stating that these are ‘Post-Brexit cans’ and one must have been shipped out by mistake. They also announced that some future cans may not contain any beans at all, just a sloshing mire of bean juice.
Putting a positive spin on this latest Tory transport disaster, the new Minister responsible for lying about transport cock-ups, Grant Shapps, crowed, “This is excellent news. It gives the turkey twizzler munching proles plenty of time to put a little money aside every week so that, when and if the line is ever completed, they can club together and buy a ticket.”