Where 25-year-old Cecilia Manduca works there is a “pay self-assessment process”. Put simply, the workers there decide how much they are worth and should be paid. The House of Commons also introduced this system six months ago and there is now a ninety-year waiting list for jobs. Cleaner Anna Moldova, who had been on ten-pounds per hour, currently earns 200k per annum.
Business
Tommy Robinson release ‘will revitalise UK dairy industry’ say farmers
September 14, 2019The former EDL Leader was hit by milkshakes twice in two days while on the campaign trail in the north of England. “They were halcyon days, they were” said Farmers’ spokesperson, Roy Buttercup.
Deliveroo Ad banned for misleading claims, after astronaut complains his food arrived cold
September 12, 2019‘I wouldn’t mind but the delivery drivers Suzuki travelled at warp speed, so he arrived in ten minutes. The food wasn’t wrapped properly – it was stone cold.
Delivery driver accused of stealing £73 cakes from Bakery. Bakery accused of stealing £72 per cake from customers.
September 11, 2019A New York delivery driver has been accused of stealing over $90,000 worth of cake. The world asks: how can any cake be worth that much?!
British Airways offers series of ‘replacement zeppelins’ and ‘taking it in turns with a hang glider’ to offset impact of strikes
September 11, 2019All British Airways outbound flights from Heathrow and Gatwick have been grounded by the pilots’ strike for a second day. BA, scrambling to make up for delays and cancellations, have taken measures to ensure a series of ‘replacement services’ are available.
“Stop fannying about and get on with fixing the problem” says Boris to BA…
September 7, 2019‘They’ve had enough time now and they need to stop fannying about and just get on with fixing the problem. People are relying on them to find a solution, and they need to do it pretty damn quick. I mean, what would it be like if the government conducted their business like this? Chaos. That’s what. The pound would fall, business would struggle, we’d have shortages of food and medicine, and the prime minister would look like a complete moron. We’d be an absolute laughing stock.’
Heinz introduces new post-Brexit can consisting of nothing but a single bean in juice.
September 7, 2019Mr Smith, The Bristol resident opened a can of Heinz beans, and was met with the depressing sight of a near empty can. The company has apologised, stating that these are ‘Post-Brexit cans’ and one must have been shipped out by mistake. They also announced that some future cans may not contain any beans at all, just a sloshing mire of bean juice.
Man Charged £55k for beer after barman inadvertently applies post-Brexit price
September 6, 2019“I can only apologise for this cock-up,” said the hotel group’s CEO Guus Bakker, “That said, the lucky bastard got off lightly as we never applied the VAT.”
Dairylea pulls food splat ad amid Bukkake confusion.
September 5, 2019Recently Kellogg’s pulled their ‘Golden shower’ flakes after numerous complaints, but the biggest gaffe goes to the Ginsters executive who gave the green light for their ‘Alabama hot pockets.’
HS2 Phase 1 to be Delayed by Five Years – Grant Shapps Urges Public to Start Saving Now for a Ticket
September 4, 2019Putting a positive spin on this latest Tory transport disaster, the new Minister responsible for lying about transport cock-ups, Grant Shapps, crowed, “This is excellent news. It gives the turkey twizzler munching proles plenty of time to put a little money aside every week so that, when and if the line is ever completed, they can club together and buy a ticket.”
