After years of speculation the sale of Newcastle Utd Football Club moved a step closer yesterday. Owner Mike Ashley slapped a tacky ‘Mega Value’ sticker on the club and gave it pride of place between Wrangler jeans in sizes for XL – XXXL and football shirts that are only three years out of date.
Business
Sports Direct to close stores due to the spread of negative publicity
March 25, 2020Sports Direct has performed a U-turn on keeping its shops open during the coronavirus lockdown. In an address to the nation Mike Ashley said he is ‘acting swiftly’ to prevent the spread of negative publicity.
Jeremy Corbyn asks Boris to ‘tone down the socialism’ as it’s making him uncomfortable
March 22, 2020Jeremy Corbyn has asked Boris to tone down his incredible acts of socialism as it’s making him look as right-wing as the Koch brothers.
Covid-19 emails the new GDPR emails
March 19, 2020All organisations countrywide are sending out updates on how they are affected by the Covid-19 coronavirus. These emails are so numerous they are risking becoming the new new GDPR emails.
Divine intervention as everyone stockpiling loo roll for coronavirus suddenly gets norovirus
March 10, 2020God Almighty has decided to get involved in the coronavirus debacle by inflicting norovirus on every single person who stockpiled toilet rolls because they haven’t clearly understood the symptoms of Covid-19.
Samsung apologises after butt texting customers during a ‘private moment’ in the boardroom
February 21, 2020Samsung has apologised after it accidentally sent a message to thousands of devices overnight. A spokesman for the company said it was due to a senior executive butt texting as he hurriedly removed his trousers during a ‘private moment’ in the boardroom.
HS2 “will shave 20 minutes off the 50 years Brexit knocked the UK back” says Boris
February 13, 2020Boris Johnson has today explained the reason that he has given his backing to the HS2 project going ahead ‘in full’ at a cost of around £100bn.
“We’re greedy, robbing bastards who don’t give a shit about anyone” say banks, explaining 40% overdraft rates
January 29, 2020Banks have explained to the financial regulator who queried quite why most have implemented a blanket 39.9% overdraft rate that it’s entirely necessary because they are greedy, robbing bastards who really don’t give a fuck about anyone else in their quest to generate shitloads more money for doing literally no extra work.
New HS2 route to go from Euston station to just outside Euston station
January 25, 2020The government’s spending watchdog has claimed that no-one took full account of how complex and risky the HS2 high-speed rail project was likely to be. As a result, in order to significantly reduce costs, the HS2 route will now run from Euston station to just outside Euston station
Sainsbury’s boss quits after having made 10 times more in 6 years than shop floor staff make in their entire lives
January 23, 2020The boss retires after 6 years, having accumulated 10 times more non-bonus salary than the average shop floor employee will earn in their entire lives. It’s only fair really. Mr Coupe has done so much for the shop floor staff it’s untrue.
