Dyson to move HQ to Singapore. ‘Nothing to do with Brexit’, insists founder famous for making things that really, really, suck.

January 23, 2019

The move by the appliance maker means two executives will relocate – chief financial officer Jorn Jensen and chief technical officer Martin Bowen. The company had insisted that no jobs will be lost. Although given that Dyson products are manufactured in Malaysia, the only jobs still based in the UK are those of Sir James Dyson’s housekeeper – an elderly lady on minimum wage called Mabel – and a guard dog called Winston.

Piers Morgan hates Gilette

‘Caring’ Gillette advert prompts major backlash. From the biggest tossers in Britain.

January 16, 2019

The razor firm’s short film, called Believe, replaces its famous slogan “The best a man can get”, with “The best men can be”. It’s prompted predictable fury among knuckle-dragging neanderthals who don’t consider it a good night out unless they’ve punched something or someone. “I hate how this advert was saying we should think about women’s feelings instead of just shouting ‘nice tits’ at them,” said Gary Swinfield, a 27-year-old car salesman from Wolverhampton.

Greggs unveils extra profit, thanks to British public losing the will to live

Greggs unveils extra profit, as British public lose the will to live.

January 9, 2019

Greggs said its latest creation, the £1 vegan sausage roll, was proving popular with “a broad range of customers.” Although the one group which definitely hasn’t been buying into vegan sausage rolls are vegans – they simply wouldn’t have the strength to fight their way through the heaving mass of sweaty Greggs customers to get to the counter.

May-An Calendar

Only 76 days to Christmas and an extra 31 days before Brexit, if Theresa manages to pass her “May-an Calendar” bill.

January 7, 2019

It’s not “just” about delaying Brexit without delaying Brexit, insists May. Government analysts doubt Britain will be in a good enough state to hold Christmas at all after nine months of Brexit, so they’ve decided to bring it forward. Most high street stores have warmly welcomed the idea of an early Christmas which complements their own plans, started long before anyone can remember, to gradually start Christmas earlier and earlier each year.