The BBC’s salary report for 2017-18 revealed Gary Lineker to be the highest paid on-air star. The report showed that Lineker was paid in the region of ALL THE MONEY, while the salary of the highest paid on-air woman, Emily Maitlis, amounted to a signed photo of Gary, with his trademark cheeky grin partially obscured by a greasy thumbprint.
Business
Dyson to move HQ to Singapore. ‘Nothing to do with Brexit’, insists founder famous for making things that really, really, suck.
January 23, 2019The move by the appliance maker means two executives will relocate – chief financial officer Jorn Jensen and chief technical officer Martin Bowen. The company had insisted that no jobs will be lost. Although given that Dyson products are manufactured in Malaysia, the only jobs still based in the UK are those of Sir James Dyson’s housekeeper – an elderly lady on minimum wage called Mabel – and a guard dog called Winston.
Patisserie Valerie collapses into administration. Rescue talks crumbled and the funds didn’t rise.
January 23, 2019Their stores will remain open for as long as they continue to turn a profiterole, which should provide solace to pastry fans who filo and donut know what to do about it. Meanwhile, the other stores will battenberg the hatches and wait for the all-éclair.
Cornish revolt over vegan pasties. ‘They call themselves Cornish but make no attempt to integrate’ complain traditional pasties.
January 22, 2019The largest manufacturer of Cornish pasties – Ginsters – said the vegan alternative was a travesty. “We pride ourselves on making traditional Cornish fare such as the chicken tikka slice,” said a spokesman. “New products can’t just rock up calling themselves Cornish without understanding or respecting our heritage.
‘Caring’ Gillette advert prompts major backlash. From the biggest tossers in Britain.
January 16, 2019The razor firm’s short film, called Believe, replaces its famous slogan “The best a man can get”, with “The best men can be”. It’s prompted predictable fury among knuckle-dragging neanderthals who don’t consider it a good night out unless they’ve punched something or someone. “I hate how this advert was saying we should think about women’s feelings instead of just shouting ‘nice tits’ at them,” said Gary Swinfield, a 27-year-old car salesman from Wolverhampton.
Amazon boss Bezos’ divorce to cost $68.5bn. Or from $40bn used.
January 10, 2019His wife’s solicitor actually posted divorce papers 20 years ago but Bezos hadn’t got around to picking them up from the neighbours.
Greggs unveils extra profit, as British public lose the will to live.
January 9, 2019Greggs said its latest creation, the £1 vegan sausage roll, was proving popular with “a broad range of customers.” Although the one group which definitely hasn’t been buying into vegan sausage rolls are vegans – they simply wouldn’t have the strength to fight their way through the heaving mass of sweaty Greggs customers to get to the counter.
Sainsbury’s blames sales decline on ‘cautious customers’. Nothing at all to do with other stores being much, much cheaper.
January 9, 2019Employees at Sainsbury’s, which is supposed to be buying out Asda in a deal worth £15bn this year, hope that the joining of the two supermarkets will increase profits for the company. But how many customers might be brave enough to shop at ‘Assbury’s’ remains to be seen.
BooHoo under fire after passing off real fur as fake. Could their newly appointed ‘Disingenuousness Ambassador’ have had a part to play?!
January 9, 2019“Well how else were we going to shift them?!” said an exasperated spokesman. “Thanks to the meddling of groups like ‘Peta’, ‘WWF’ and ‘Swindon Mums against Broad-snouted Caiman Alligator Handbags’, using the rotten remains animals just to look good has rapidly gone out of fashion.
Only 76 days to Christmas and an extra 31 days before Brexit, if Theresa manages to pass her “May-an Calendar” bill.
January 7, 2019It’s not “just” about delaying Brexit without delaying Brexit, insists May. Government analysts doubt Britain will be in a good enough state to hold Christmas at all after nine months of Brexit, so they’ve decided to bring it forward. Most high street stores have warmly welcomed the idea of an early Christmas which complements their own plans, started long before anyone can remember, to gradually start Christmas earlier and earlier each year.