A couple who scooped a £1m lottery scratchcard prize have thanked their cat Shortbread for the win – after rushing to the shop to buy pet food.
As soon as Shortbread found out he had ‘no bread’, the top cat called international law firm Trump/Morgan. ‘Just when you think this world can’t get any worse, people start ‘fucking-over’ cats. What’s next – Goldfish being constantly taunted about their poor memory?’ moaned Morgan.
Andrew and Paula Hancock, who run a catering business together, went to a petrol station after forgetting the cat’s dinner but instead picked up a Monopoly Millionaire scratchcard.
Shortbread meowed, ‘They were supposed to buy me a can of Whiskas, instead the cheap degenerates ‘knocked me’ and spent my food money on gambling.’ Trump commented, ‘It’s ironic that they bought a Monopoly scratchcard because after I win Shortbread the £1M back – I’m going after their house. Then I’m personally gonna sue these people for my mental stress – you know I have cats, right? Then I’m gonna build a wall, so Shortbread never has to see these people again.’
In the rush of excitement on realising he had landed the couple a seven-figure jackpot, Mr Hancock forget to buy six-year old ginger tom Shortbread’s food again – so the pet ended up with ham later that evening.
‘Ham? Those sons of bitches know I’m Jewish – and they give me fucking ham. They’re in the front room eating strawberries and drinking champagne, while I’m looking at two slices of processed lips and assholes,’ hissed Shortbread.
Trump and Morgan have already selected the trial jury, half of which will be made up of two dogs, three cats and a ferret.