David Cameron phoned European leaders, and then-US president Barack Obama to apologise for the results of the Brexit referendum.
In his new memoir, the former prime minister has revealed that he phoned various world leaders to apologise for the Brexit referendum.
After a lengthy apology to Barack Obama, the President responded by stating “Sucks to be you. I’m nearly out of this game baby,” before hanging up.
Angela Merkel deliberately ghosted Cameron, and he had to resort to standing outside of the Bundestag, holding a boombox that was playing ’99 red balloons’.
“I wanted something more appropriate, but it was the only German song I knew.”
Cameron says that to each leader he said the same thing: “I had a strategy to keep Britain in the EU. I executed the strategy. It didn’t work. I’m sorry.”
Following on from this revelation, Cameron has now announced that he will be performing political penance, by personally phoning every UK citizen to apologise for what has happened.
Cameron will spend the next few months going down the phone book alphabetically, and apologising directly to the UK public. Anybody who doesn’t pick up will receive a minute long voicemail from the former Prime Minister.
For those who voted remain, he will apologise for the UK leaving the E.U.
For those who voted leave, he will apologise that the UK is leaving the E.U with all the smoothness and ease of a turd coming out sideways.
For those with more personal grievances he will also apologise for:
U-turns on NHS reforms.
That whole Nick Clegg debate thing.
Everything about ‘hug-a-hoodie.
Cutting child tax credits.
Eating a hotdog with a knife and fork.
Cameron will not be addressing the ‘pig gate’ conspiracy, as that is ‘between him and the pig’.