A senior Tory has sought to dispel rumours of splits in Boris Johnson’s cabinet over whether to call an early election to break the Brexit impasse
But it appears the biggest dilemma facing the government is whether to F*ck the country up on 31st October or wait until the new year and then F*ck it up on 31st January.
Senior cabinet ministers are said to be divided over whether to gamble on a December poll
“Of course one must be fully cognisant of the sheer amount of F*ck -uppery that could be achieved over the coming three months”, an anonymous Government spokesman advised The News Dump political desk, whilst hiding under a bench to avoid Dominic Cummings, “…or indeed up-F*ckery. We are living in exciting new times where the potential for F*cking-up is probably the greatest it has ever been. Throwing in a General Election would be an absolute master F*ck- up to the F*ck -up”
The Prime Minister is said to favour a Brexit date of 31st October still
“The Prime Minister still wants to F*ck -up the country on 31st October. Whereas more thoughtful ministers, such as Northern Ireland secretary Julian Smith and other individuals who weren’t dropped on their heads as a baby, want to F*ck the country up after due consideration on 31st January 2020”, our mystery informant, let’s call him Colin (54), stated.
Johnson’s most senior adviser, Dominic Cummings, wants the prime minister to call a vote on an election as soon as the EU grants an expected extension to Article 50, with 28 November or 5 December
“Dominic Cummings wants to F*ck the country up as soon as possible, in a two-phase attack, with a General Election within the next six weeks and then a second major F*ck-up on 31st January”, our man on the inside informed us, “Whilst Michael Gove, the Chancellor of the Duchy of Lancaster, wants to F*ck the country up on 31st October, hold two general elections and then F*ck the country again on 31st January”
Tory chairman James Cleverly insisted the cabinet was united around its support for a general election and rubbished reports of disunity among the prime minister’s top team.
“The cabinet is fully united behind the Prime Minister in its desire to F*ck the country up.”, Mr Cleverly explained, “Sajid Javid is fully behind F*ck ing up the pound and the economy, Priti Patel is doing a fine job in F*cking up the home office and F*cking off Andrew Marr, whilst Dominic Raab just does whatever the Prime Minister tells him to F*ck-up, to stop him from F*cking up, the mother of F*ck-ups.”
Opposition MPs are also divided over the best way forward, with many opposed to an early poll because they fear Johnson will impose a no-deal Brexit.
It seems that Liberal leader Jo Swinson doesn’t want to f*ck the country up at all. Leader of the SNP Ian Blackford just wants England to f*ck-up itself, before creating a fully independent Scotland that will f*ck itself instead, whilst Labour Leader Jeremy Corbyn would like the people to decide if they want to f*ck the country up, before f*cking it up himself.
Bit of a f…. mess…..