Burton Albion still aiming for the cup, despite 9-0 defeat. “We’ll never give up. Not even when we’ve lost” says new coach Theresa May.


Burton Albion are currently 9-0 down following their first League Cup meeting with Premier League giants Manchester City on Wednesday. The midlanders are certain to be knocked out when the two clubs play again to finish the tie.

But the plucky team haven’t given up hope just yet – they’ve been revising their game plan with the help of their new coach, Theresa May.

Taking time out from steering the country off a cliff, Mrs May might not have much footballing experience – but she’s certainly got plenty of experience persevering even in the face of certain defeat.

In an exclusive interview, May revealed her five-point-plan for turning Burton Albion’s fortunes around.


Theresa’s tips for overcoming certain defeat.

The footballing edition.

1 – Postpone the match as often and as regularly as possible. This will infuriate everyone, and avoid the inevitable penalties.

2 – When the match finally does happen, intimidate the opposition with a Haka-Style dance as ABBA plays over the PA.

3 – Substitute the key players in the team for complete unknowns with barely any experience. Do this as often as possible – so as to confuse Manchester City, and the viewing public.

4- Get a new supplier of football boots. Perhaps award the contract to a milliner.4

5 – Host a drinks reception mid-game. There’s nothing a few glasses of chardonnay in a convivial atmosphere can’t solve – I’m sure the Man City boys will come round to your way of thinking in no time. (Proving she knows as much about football as she does about politics.)


(Additional Material: David Hughes and Chris Ballard)
Garth ApThomas

Written By: Garth ApThomas

Garth’s writing credits include “the world’s longest running live comedy show” NewsRevue in London – where he’s been a writer in the room – BBC Radio 4 Extra’s Newsjack and the History Makers podcast.
Read All Posts By Garth ApThomas