The UK Economy picked up in the first quarter of the year, with growth at 0.5%, up from 0.2%, due to a surge in manufacturing, which grew at its fastest rate in 30 years, mostly due to businesses stockpiling ahead of Brexit.
“We’ve accidently discovered a fantastic economic model” said chancellor Phillip Hammond, “create sheer panic for consumers and businesses, tell them nothing and extend at the last minute when they’ve already prepared like we’re living in zombie apocalypse.”
Hammond has described the economy as ”robust”, with the UK growing at a faster rate than the US, Japan and the EU.
And Brexiteers are now claiming that this was no accident, and that it was their plan all along. If we keep delaying Brexit by 6 months, Britain will soon be the largest economy in the world.
Nigel Farage has tried to take the credit – but this has been roundly dismissed, as his only real interest is trying to break Guinness book of records for holding as many far right rallies in a Morrison car park, and he couldn’t care less about the economy.
Domminic Raab has only just discovered ferries go between France and the UK, so try as he might, he can’t claim credit either.
And despite Boris Johnson’s claims, he’s also out. He’s currently sleeping outside of Theresa May’s office like a dog and hasn’t contributed to politics in months/years/forever.
So who is the architect of the master plan?
We can exclusively reveal it is: Chris Grayling. At least he thinks it is. He’s not sure. We were in the middle of interviewing him, and a colleague told him his flies were undone and had been all day, he soon retired to a cupboard he mistook for his office and wasn’t seen for the rest of the day.
The Brexit deadline now is set for the 31st October.
Plans are already afoot to push it to 30th April 2020 – but they’ll wait until we’ve all panic-bought our Brexit-themed Halloween costumes.