The UK is already up to a staggering £66bn poorer because of the Brexit vote after economic growth evaporated, experts claim today.
A government spokesperson who wished to remain anonymous, identifying himself only by the pseudonym Cominic Dummings, was quick to lay the lion’s share of the blame at the door of the ex-Minister for Transport Chris Grayling.
“Yeah, okay, I admit the country’s lost a few bob but it’s mainly down to Homer.* (*Grayling’s nickname in the cabinet due to his resemblance to Homer Simpson in every aspect). He’s a dunce of the highest water, a complete fuckwit and a clumsy, dim-witted clown,” barked Dummings when interviewed at the tradesman’s entrance to No. 10 Downing Street, “His parting act was to sign a contract committing the UK government to a 10 year deal for the supply of underwater camels to move fresh foods, electrical goods and essential medical supplies between Calais and Morecambe across the sea bed.”
Dummings then declared the ex-Minister for mind-boggling fuck-ups ‘too daft to laugh at’ before wiping his nose on our reporter’s sleeve and stomping back into No. 10.
When ‘door-stepped’ for an interview on the subject Grayling, still in his Batman onesie jim-jams at 2pm, was quick to defend himself.
“The economic damage from the Brexit vote – even before the UK actually leaves the EU – is the result of the plunging pound squeezing household incomes and uncertainty hitting investments…
and has nothing whatsoever to do with my camel deal.”
The bowling ball headed nincompoop then added, “The camels were a result of my ‘thinking outside the box’ and would have been an exquisite solution to our challenging transport conundrum post Brexit. It’s a matter of record that my other contracts with ferry services didn’t work out but that was because of the ports. By using camels, kitted out with aqualungs, we could have avoided using the ports altogether, walking the goods-ladened camel trains straight off the beaches of Calais, then underwater all the way into Morecambe bay, avoiding the quicksand, obviously. I thought £60bn was cheap at the price, bearing in mind the contractor would suffer heavy turnover of camels due to drowning. It was proving difficult teaching them how to read the gauges on their air tanks.”