Today, The News Dump brings you – with terrible sadness – some breaking news.
As Gareth Southgate’s England team crash out of the World Cup – football isn’t coming home after all.
It turned out that playing a team who could actually play football was a step too far for Gareth Southgates brave band of young multi-millionaires.
Much like that time you turned off grandma’s life support machine, you knew that this pain was coming it was inevitable, but it still hurts – and this time there’s no cash windfall to soften the blow and you’re unlikely to get any pity sex.
It represents a particular challenge for thousands of heavy drinkers who will now have to think of something else to drunkenly shout at passing strangers.