Boris unites the country by announcing a cabinet we can all hate

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Boris Johnson has begun the process of uniting the country by selecting a cabinet we can all hate.

Mr Johnson began by announcing Sajid Javid as Chancellor,

continuing the Tory policy of promoting useless Home Secretary’s to positions where they can do even more damage.

With Javid safely ensconced in number 11, the incoming PM promoted Priti Patel to the Home Office vacancy.

Ms Patel has been given the role as she can’t be trusted to leave the country and Boris is confident she won’t be meeting many Israeli officials in Grimsby or Milton Keynes.

She has held three previous roles, lasting an average of 13 months in each,

and her promotion to Home Secretary is expected to achieve a similar level of success which will see her promoted again in the next reshuffle.

Leadership runner up Jeremy Hunt refused the role offered to him by Boris and has quit the cabinet.

The outgoing Foreign Secretary said he ‘would have accepted the role under different circumstances’ but that since leaving his role as Health Secretary and adopting a stylish new open-necked look for the leadership campaign, he just feels that he’s ‘no longer unpopular enough to be part of this new look cabinet.’

His place in the Foreign Office has been handed to Dominic Raab; the staunch right wing anti-immigration campaigner whose family moved to the UK as refugees after the war and who famously said most foodbank users are not ‘languishing in poverty’ and that feminists are ‘obnoxious bigots’.

Mr Raab’s first job will be to put his exceptional diplomacy to good use in dampening down tensions in Iran. A task he intends to tackle head on by Googling the top ten words to upset an Iranian and then repeatedly using the one that he’s able to pronounce.

Raab previously served as Brexit Secretary under Theresa May,

but resigned in protest at his own failure to achieve anything.

Mr Johnson has kept Stephen Barclay in the post of Brexit Secretary in his first cabinet.

Despite not being as universally hated as many of his cabinet colleagues, Barclay’s complete silence on the one issue he has to deal with makes him perfect cannon fodder for when Boris comes bimbling back from Brussels in need of a scapegoat.

Liz Truss, Theresa Villiers, Amber Rudd, Michael Gove, Gavin Williamson and Andrea Leadsom also have roles in the new cabinet, as does Jacob Rees-Mogg who has been named Leader of the House of Commons.

The cabinet meets for the first time this week and proceedings are expected to start with coffee, pastries and a reading from Mein Kampf.


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