Last week Boris Johnson became the first British Prime Minister to lose their first four votes in the House of Commons.
His tenure in office just got even worse as his own hands voted not to give him a consolatory wank.
After a tough week at the office Boris was looking forward to a bit of relief by making a withdrawal from the spank bank. Sadly – like so many options – that’s no longer available to him.
“It’s fair to say that Boris is a very frustrated man,” said a Downing Street spokesman.
“He understandably craves the nothingness of the male orgasm – the few blissful seconds when the mind goes completely blank and he doesn’t have to think about how he’s totally incompetent and hated by everyone.
“Unfortunately his hands have voted unanimously to avoid his penis like the plague. By the way, I’ve seen his medical records and that’s not a simile.
“His feet are currently still available to him – but good luck with that.
“He attempted to make love to a pillow last night but girlfriend Carrie soon put a stop to it, shouting ‘Not while I’m sleeping on it you fucking animal!’
“On top of all this he has to sit down to wee because otherwise his unguided nob just unleashes hell all over his trousers.
“And yes – that is a perfect metaphor for his premiership to date.”
Boris’ hands issued a brief statement addressing their decision to rebel.
“Frankly, his cock should be the least of his worries,” they said. “We’re seriously thinking about strangling him in his sleep.”