Boris Johnson’s guide to pretending no-deal is us getting one over on the E.U

UK Politics
Boris Johnson confirms leadership bid. Tory Incompetence to be replaced by Tory Buffoonery

Boris Johnson has claimed that in the event of no-deal Brexit, the UK wouldn’t be required to pay back the £39 billion ‘divorce bill’

We caught up with the Prime Minister to discuss 5 most plausible sounding advantages to a No-Deal Brexit that he thought people might believe.

1: I’m paying child support for 4 children and 7 illegitimate… I mean 1 illegitimate child. I know how costly divorce bills can be. My solicitors say I can’t wriggle out of my financial responsibilities, but that doesn’t mean the UK can’t certainly try and squirm it’s way out of £39 billion we’d previously promised the E.U.

2: No-Deal Brexit as a policy has very little punctuation. I’ve noticed a huge subset of Brexit supporters are broadly against punctuation. Did you know the comma was invented by an Italian? Do you really want an Italian telling you how to write? Would you surrender your sovereignty for a semi-colon? Traitor!

3: Look, when I said “Come hell or high water we leave on the 31st of October” the 31st of October sounded like a really, really long way away so I could say anything to sound tough to Johnny Foreigner. However, I’ve since been informed that there’s some kind of problem with the Irish border. By my understanding, No-Deal effectively means that Ireland having a border is the E.U’s fault, which is good because it seems almost an impossible situation for us to solve otherwise.

4: If we back out of paying £39 billion as promised to the E.U, we can share a laugh with countries outside the E.U about how we deceived and illegally defrauded the EU. We can then start making trade deals with those countries; they’ll either think “I don’t trust the U.K to adhere to any laws and conditions agreed in a subsequent trade deal because of their duplicity.” or, as I’m hoping, they’ll think “I’m so glad you’ve left behind the human rights laws and economic protections of the world’s largest trading bloc. Buy our heavily chlorinated chicken. If you want food and medicines, Mr Trump will be purchasing the NHS.”

5: … I was supposed to write 5 of these? I’ve never really been a “numbers guy” and that’s something you CAN put on the side of a bus.

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