In his first interview of the new year, Johnson said that he wanted to see country lines drug gangs “totally wound up”. I want to see crime come down. I want to see the county lines drugs gangs wound up, rolled up.
However, in a typically animated interview, Michael Gove made his views clear on the direction the government was taking “Clearly a waste of police time and resources, when there’s far more pressing domestic matters! ”
Pausing to rub his nostrils continually for 7-8 seconds, Gove continued “I mean, just this week Meghan’s talked Prince Harry out of his royal commitments, so there you have it, even at the highest levels foreigners are taking our jobs.”
“It’s like Johnson’s forgotten the central platform of the Tories. Blame immigrants.”
“I mean, some of these drug dealers are probably good, honest UK citizens that just need a chance. They’re probably the kind of people who might, for instance be called Big Jackson who, hypothetically, might give a hard working public servant a bulk discount along with, and this is purely conjecture on my part, not cut his coke with too much bicarb of soda.”
“Good honest guy. Theoretically.”
Gove rapidly shook his head as the interviewer asked if he could talk a little slower and dab the trickling blood away from his nose.
After Gove excused himself for his 3rd toilet break during the course of a 25 minute interview, he returned one final time to collect a discarded credit card before vanishing. In his absence, we reached out to cocaine enthusiast John Timms for comment “Fortunately for high earning, functional drug addicts across the country, Johnson has provided no pragmatic solutions to back up this policy.”
“I feel that attempts to reduce the amount of drug dealers on the streets has been tried before, and tried by governments that haven’t slashed police numbers by 20,000.”
“Don’t you worry, I’ll be snorting like a pig in truffle season, starting fights and picking my sectum out of the gutter for decades to come.”
“WOOOOOOOOO!!!” Timms added from a bathroom stall.