John Bercow says he will stand down as Commons Speaker and MP at the next election or on 31 October, whichever comes first.
Boris Johnson has responded to the news with the announcement that the traditional position of Speaker of the House will be abolished, and that the post is to be replaced with a sentry gun.
In an emotional speech, Mr Bercow said he had been proud to stand up for the interests of MPs and to act as the “backbenchers’ backstop” in the role, in which the post holder is supposed to be impartial.
“Oh there will soon be an end to that!” guffawed the Prime Minister. “For too long now these remoaning MPs have stood up and spouted some nonsenses about ‘expert opinion’ this and ‘facts’ that”.
He went on: “When I’ve got my sentry gun in place at the head of the chamber, it will command a sweeping view of the entire House of Commons. So next time Anna Soubry or David Lammy dare to question my wisdom, they will be gunned down before they can finish their whingeing, EU-loving, dictatorship-hating sentence.”
When questioned about how the sentry gun would determine who to shoot and who to allow to speak, Boris Johnson to explained: “Oh don’t worry about that – it’ll be the same special technology that we we’ll have in Ireland to prevent a hard border. Seriously, don’t worry about it. It will be trustworthy, and I’m sure we can research, develop, test and finalise it within the next eight weeks.”
As with all of Boris’s schemes, it is understood that Dominic Cummings is behind the idea, meaning that the likelihood is that it could hopelessly fail before it’s barely started.