Boris Johnson suggests lowering Whaley Bridge dam water levels by asking every resident to run a bath

Home Affairs, UK Politics
“Dodgy but stable” Whaley dam the envy of “Dodgy but precarious” Johnson premiership

After a well-planned publicity stunt visiting Whaley Bridge, Boris promised worried residents ‘proper housing’ if the dam should burst. In a statement the PM proudly boasted:

“My government has an excellent record on homelessness. We have put many people on the streets, so rest assured I will personally see to it you’re next.”

Since the visit, Johnson has been wracking his brains for the solution to the problem. In a statement put out today, the PM is suggesting serious measures be put in place immediately, if not sooner. The statement read:

“I have thought long and hard…… Oh look, is that a squirrel?……Where was I?…oh that’s right, the water thing. Well, the solution is simple. If all the residents run a bath, the water levels in the reservoir will fall. Bish, bash, bosh. Job done….”

Meanwhile, the RAF Chinook helicopter crew offered to air lift Boris over the troubled dam, suggesting that if they ‘deposit’ him in the right area, they could use his fat arse to plug any leaks. Genius.

As harrowing stories continue to ‘flood’ in, resident George Gooday said he only just made it out, and tell us:
“I managed to get the 54-inch TV in the car. There was just enough room left for the wife and kids, but we had to leave the mother-in-law behind.”

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