Downing Street has confirmed that Prime Minister Boris Johnson has signed up to an Open University course in turd polishing.
Mr Johnson is said to be ‘delighted’ to be taking his place on the course, which was made available after Theresa May failed the same assignment three times and quit. The PM will now take on the enormous pile of shit that Mrs May produced and try to buff it up and somehow make it attractive to his peers.
According to the OU website, the course focuses on ‘all aspects of turd polishing’ from basics such as ‘simply announcing that the turd is great’ to more complex elements of the art which include oratory skills aimed at ‘convincing people that, while on the face of it the steaming pile of shit in front of them is simply a streaming pile of shit, it does in fact contain nuggets’. The course materials go on to say that it’s crucial not to admit that these are chicken nuggets, and that it’s surprising how many people will simply take the word of a man who speaks with confidence, even if that man has been proven to be a self-serving, lying scumbag with the integrity of a straw house in a full force gale.
Mr Johnson hopes to complete the course over the next 2 days as he has to work on Saturday.