Boris Johnson failed to appear on Channel 4’s climate change debate last night, with Michael Gove and Boris’ Father Stanley turning up to represent the absent Prime Minister.
Mr Johnson has now employed these two in an official capacity to attend events he is too chickenshit to show his face at.
Earlier this morning, Mr Gove and the elder Johnson visited Jennifer Arcuri, and promptly dumped her on behalf of the Prime Minister.
Miss Arcuri, under the impression she was meeting the Prime Minister, turned up at a coffee shop near Westminster. After sitting down, she was then cornered by Gove and Johnson sr, who were lying in wait; Mr Johnson behind a chaise lounge, and Gove contorting his spineless form to seep in the space between a vending machine and the wall.
Gove then slithered up to Miss Arcuri and screamed ‘”Boris says you’re dumped.”
He then knocked her coffee over and escaped through a heating duct near the front door. Mr Johnson then stood in silence for a few seconds before offering Miss Arcuri a sympathetic hug.
She did not accept.
Mr Gove and Mr Johnson will be continuing these roles as Boris’ stand ins for events in the future. These include a prostate exam next week, meeting some northern war veterans, and spending time with his children.