Boris Johnson orders England to throw the Ashes to secure future trade deal with Australia

Sport
Boris Johnson orders England to throw the Ashes to secure future trade deal with Australia

Australia took a huge step towards retaining the Ashes yesterday after bowling out England for 67 in the 1st innings of the third test at Headingley, England’s lowest score against Australia since 1948.

It has been revealed that this collapse was under the express orders of Prime Minister Boris Johnson so that the United Kingdom can secure a more favourable trade deal with Australia after Brexit. 

Leaked documents found in captain Joe Root’s helmet reveal that Boris Johnson had encouraged the England team to “valiantly defend their wicket in the manner of the Romans at the battle of Cannae”. We asked a Classics Professor what the heck Johnson was waffling on about and he said “basically the Romans got the shit kicked out of them at Cannae”.

When approached after his innings Joe Root, who was out for a duck yesterday, vehemently denied seeing these instructions. “I would never throw an Ashes test, what a disgusting accusation” he cried. He was then asked if this meant he and his teammates were just really bad at cricket. “I threw the test for the good of the country” he backtracked. 

Boris Johnson said “the Australian government made it clear to me that if we did not lose the Ashes then they would not trade with us post-Brexit. That would mean no more of the benefits we receive from Australia, such as wine, meat, or Neighbours on Channel 5”. 

It has now emerged Boris Johnson has made further moves to smooth international relations through sport by telling Lewis Hamilton to stop winning F1 races, Team Ineos to stop putting British cyclists into the Tour de France, and the England Men’s football team to carry on as normal.

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