Speaking at the CBI conference in London, Boris Johnson told business leaders he will delay the well trailered cuts to corporation tax should he win the upcoming general election. This move means £6bn won’t be taken out of the public purse for now.
“I know this will come as bad news to you all but we desperately need this money in the public purse,” waffled Johnson to a sleepy audience, “Unfortunately Theresa May’s government committed the UK to a particularly bad contract it entered into as part of the no deal contingency planning, and despite having the best legal minds going over this contract, it is absolutely water-tight. We’re well and truly taking it up the chutney with this one.”
When pressed for details by the cub reporter from the UK comic The Beano, Johnson barked, “Not you again!” Johnson then offered to pay a couple of bouncers to have the lad thrown out then beaten up in an alley.
Nevertheless, ‘Bonk ‘n’ Block’ Boris (an Arcuri reference for those out of the loop) blustered out, “It’s another one of *Homer’s ‘DOH’ contracts. This one is with a Saudi Arabian supplier, and is for the supply of several thousand camels. These were supposedly trained to carry goods in waterproof boxes across the seabed between the beach at Calais and the small seaside town of Barmouth in West Wales. The contract was signed before shit-for-brains Grayling realised camels can’t breathe underwater.
(*Ex Transport Minister and complete fuckwit Chris Grayling)
The ex Minister for fuck-ups, Grayling was later ‘door-stepped’ by the press pack for a comment on what Johnson had said. Still wearing his ‘Frozen 2’ onesie jimjams at 2pm, a sleepy-eyed Grayling said, “It seemed like a good idea at the time. I thought they’d train the camels to use snorkels or something but apparently they just kept drowning. Our contract committed the UK taxpayer to pay for all replacements.”