Boris Johnson Cobra No Shows blamed on Epic Lockdown Wank-Off

UK Politics
Boris applies for planning permission for his penis as hard-on for leadership already exceeds 8 metres

Michael Gove has claimed the PM missed five consecutive emergency COBRA meetings in the buildup to the coronavirus crisis, and that the UK shipped protective equipment to China in February.

Boris wasn’t sleepwalking into disaster, he was wanking himself into a coma

The government faced intense pressure on Sunday over its initial response to the pandemic, as Labour accused Johnson of having been “missing in action” during the crucial weeks when the virus first arrived in the UK.

Boris had found some old pictures of Priti Patel when she was thinner, in suggestive secretary stockings and glasses which made her look more intelligent and was addicted to twisting his bell-end into submission.

In an interview on BBC One’s The Andrew Marr Show, Gove, claimed that missing Cobra meetings was normal for a PM. “Most Cobra meetings don’t have the prime minister attending them,” Gove said. “That is the whole point.” Cobra meetings were “led by the relevant secretary of state in the relevant area”, he argued.

Despite every news story starting with the ubiquitous line about The Prime Minster chairing an emergency Cobra meeting…He was too busy hunting Downing Street’s nooks and crannies for porn mags to splaff on to.

The Sunday Times quoted one unnamed senior adviser as saying Johnson “didn’t work weekends”, and “there was a real sense that he didn’t do urgent crisis planning”.

The PM went off for another posh wank into one of Jacob Rees Mogg’s silk socks before hunting down a rather reclusive Jacob Rees-Mogg- thought to be the grass, to biff him around a bit.

The five meetings Johnson missed came during a period in late January and February where he spent an entire parliamentary recess out of sight at his official country retreat of Chequers.

Gove confirmed he wasn’t at Chequers but checked into a wanker clinic and in wanker rehab.

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