Boris Johnson has welcomed news reports revealing that teenagers are sewing up their own knife wounds to avoid going to hospital and being interviewed by the police.
Mr Johnson has praised the youngsters for showing tremendous initiative, and says they are a shining example of the kind of ‘can do spirit’ he wants to create in post-Brexit Britain.
Many people have been shocked to read articles reporting some young victims of knife crime are choosing to patch themselves up at home, rather than seeking professional medical help.
But Mr Johnson says rather than being a cause for concern, such actions are to be praised to the rafters.
“I say hoorah for these brave lads and lasses getting busy with a needle and thread. Just imagine the money they’re saving the NHS by not turning up to the Accident and Emergency wards.
“That’s absolutely brilliant, because it allows me to introduce reductions for health funding and divert the cash to where the country really needs it – tax cuts for the wealthy.”
The young stab victims avoiding hospital are reported to douse their wound in vodka, and tie some cotton to a sharp hooked needle. Then they will sew up their own wounds. These types of needle are normally used for putting in hair weaves and extensions.
Superglue can also be used and, in further gruesome examples, gunshot pellets have been removed with just tweezers.
Mr Johnson said some of the teenagers involved could go on to become great surgeons of the future.
“They are showing us that there’s no need to go to medical school and train for six years, that’s just a complete waste of time and money,” he added.
“These plucky wee urchins are having a go themselves and that’s just the entrepreneurial attitude we need to make Brexit a roaring success.”