Boris announces UK to start trade talks with the Moon

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Boris announces UK to start trade talks with the Moon

Boris Johnson has insisted that a “sense of mission” akin to the 1969 moon landings can ensure Britain leaves the European Union on 31 October.

And he’s already preparing to initiate trade talks with the Clangers. Which will not, Boris argues, be in breach of our agreement to initiate trade talks with other countries before leaving the EU as the moon is not a country, it is a natural satellite of the earth.

There are many experts who doubts over whether trade with fictional alien creatures is possible but they do concede that Boris did have more experience than anyone else when it comes to clangers.

Mr Johnson said: “I am afraid that there are technological pessimists, some of them apparently in London, who seem genuinely to think that such technical solutions are impossible, that they are a kind of logical contradiction, a mythological species that we will never see in this universe. Are they right? Of course not.”

And when it comes to doing the impossible, we  are talking about a man who’s going from ineptly handling a TV satirical panel show to ineptly handling the entire country.

Mr Johnson would not even be deterred from the idea when the team of negotiators tried to explain to him the problems that lay in trying to conduct trade talks with a bunch of hand-knitted, stop-frame animated puppets.

Boris Johnson said, “It is absurd that we have even allowed ourselves to be momentarily delayed by these technical issues. If they could use hand-knitted computer code to make a frictionless re-entry to the earth’s atmosphere in 1969, we can solve the problem…”

Whilst it seems difficult to imagine a team of U.K. negotiators could communicate with an alien species, on hearing Boris’s comments they were heard to make whistling noises akin to those emitted by the cute little creatures.

According to the book “Eight out of ten Brits” by Charlie Croker, a collection of statistics about the world’s 79th largest nation, “4 million women in the UK have an interest in knitting/sewing, 1.5 million of these are very interested.”

If the U.S. could use hand-knitted computer code back in 1969 then, Boris argues, we can employ the 4 million existing U.K. knitters to put together a completely knitted U.K. space programme, included a knitted rocket that could travel to and from the moon. Anne Widdecombe has already volunteered to take part in the space mission and could go down in the history books as the first cow to go over the moon.

To sum it all up, Boris may be one small nit of a man, but he’s making one giant knit for mankind.

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2 thoughts on “Boris announces UK to start trade talks with the Moon

  1. The clangers do NOT LIVE ON THE MOON.
    I am ceasing my subscription to The News Dump, and will no longer be using it as my main source of current affairs information

    1. Hi Bahboh,

      You are completely correct in that the original colony of Clangers do not live on the moon that orbits our Earth. According to Oliver Postgate, who discovered the Clangers fifty years ago, the Clangers live on a star (which seems unlikely as the Clangers would very quickly be something akin to a galatic pig roast ) very far away from us. However, there is a colony of Clangers who picked up a lift from a passing UFO and travelled across the vast stretches of the universe intending to live on Earth off the money they had sitting in an Earth bank from their share of the royalties earned from their TV show. On their arrival however, and after a quick assessment of how humans treat aliens, they quickly decided that the Moon orbiting the Earth looked far more hospitable. Note that the money accrued in interest in their bank account plus the revenue coming in from the new rebooted series makes them a very attractive trading partner.

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