Production on EastEnders has been halted due to the coronavirus but that doesn’t mean it will stop entertaining millions of people every night.
The Director General had reassured fans that a complete cessation of production won’t prevent new episodes of the soap airing each night on BBC One.
“We would never take our number one show off the air,” said Lord Hall. “That would cause mass hysteria among the viewing public.
“No, EastEnders will continue to reflect British society. This means that spooky footage of an abandoned Albert Square will be broadcast for half an hour every evening. We may add the odd corpse or perhaps a feverish resident staggering about screaming for help which will never come – it really depends on how things progress in the real world.”
The Corporation’s other continuing dramas will also be rewritten to reflect the battle against Covid-19.
“Casualty will replicate the contemporary A&E department by being a mixture of the classic ‘noughts and crosses’ test card and analogue-style white noise.
“Holby City probably will be cancelled as that show is non-essential. I say cancelled, what I really mean is postponed to a time when everyone involved in the production is dead.
“Let’s not forget our popular daytime show Doctors. That will depict a boarded up GP surgery with doctors hurling Molotov cocktails from an upstairs window as coughing patients shuffle around the car park.
“Don’t worry everybody – the BBC will never fail to comfort its audience in these troubling times.”