“Ban fatties from public transport” says outgoing CMO

Health, Lifestyle and Family
Ban fatties from public transport say cunts

Snacking should be banned on public transport and extra taxes placed on unhealthy foods to tackle child obesity, England’s outgoing chief medical officer says.

But a bevvy of celebs sickened by the sight of anyone marginally overweight have clubbed together to campaign for an out right fatty ban.

‘I’ve proved how easy it is to stay slim,’ says fat hater Katie Hopkins. ‘My documentary about getting fat then getting thin was watched by millions and millions because people relate to what I’ve got to say. If you can’t take a bus ride from Wigan to Wakefield without shoving half of Greggs in your little fat face, you don’t deserve the lift.’

A target to halve rates by 2030 has been set.

But Piers Morgan wasn’t sure that was quick enough. ‘Obviously I’d never go on public transport because I am incredibly famous and can’t stand people, fat or thin, sitting next to me on the central line, but – if I did have to get the tube in a morning, I’d lose my breakfast at the sight of a chubster snorting croissants and mainlining bacon. We’ve all seen someone masticating a Pret before 9am and I for one am sick of it.’

The problem is most acute among girls – where the UK has one fo the highest rates in the world.

Donald Trump took to twitter with his thoughts, ‘I am wise and fit, the fittest of all the men. Fact not fake. Wales? What about Whales! I think the Great English Kingdom should lock up all the munching mingers and throw away the key. No excuse. No excuse. Nobody wants to grab a fat pussy.’

What needs to be done?
Dame Sally has put forward a wide range of measures. They include:

  • Banning food and drink on local transport with exceptions for water, breast-feeding and medical conditions

  • Regular car-free weekends across the country to encourage physical activity

  • Changing planning rules to make it harder to open fast-food takeaways

  • New, fast food packaging that fat fingers can’t open
  • A ban of all elasticated waists for the under 60’s
  • A curfew for all overweight people, if they MUST leave the house, it should be after dark
  • Adding VAT to unhealthy good products that are currently zero-rated, such as cakes

  • Switching out McDonalds milkshakes for slimfast when someone a little bit fat orders one
  • All nurseries, registered childminders and schools to adopt water and milk-only policies.

‘To be honest,’ Katie said, ‘and you know me, I like to be honest, that final bullet point just doesn’t go far enough. I propose a total ban on all food for anyone under the age of 16, anyone from the north, and anyone named after the location they were conceived in, they clearly can’t be trusted with food don’t deserve the right to eat.

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