Government to hold fourth vote, on why we can't have a second

Government to hold fourth vote, on why we can’t have a second

May 22, 2019

The prime minister will outline changes to the Withdrawal Agreement Bill – including a promise to give MPs a vote on holding another referendum. Provided such a vote will be preceded by a number of “Indicative Votes” , the United Kingdom winning the Eurovision Song Contest in  2020, England winning the World Cup in 2022 and a total eclipse of the sun being visible from Westminster.

Heseltine loses Tory whip. MPs urged to seek alternative BDSM services

Heseltine loses Tory whip. MPs urged to seek BDSM services elsewhere.

May 21, 2019

Speaking to Sky News, Lord Heseltine said: “They can take away the whip but they cannot take away my integrity, my convictions or my experience. I am a Conservative.” “This means staying true to the finest traditions of corporal punishment, caning, the wearing of fine leather (or latex)  and rope play. These true principals at the heart of conservatism must remain intact”, he went on to add

Milkshake unhappy he's been Faraged

Milkshake complains as it gets “Faraged”

May 20, 2019

“I have never felt so humiliated and embarrassed”, claimed the milkshake, “One minute I am contemplating bringing joy to someone, as a lactose based, sweet, beverage. Next minute, I’ve got the leader of the Brexit Party dripping all over me.”

Madonna's Eye Patch to go solo

Madonna’s Eye Patch to go solo

May 20, 2019

“I was promised much more involvement on the album”, the eye patch said. “A duet was mooted at one point and several of my poems were being considered for lyrics. I now know that was all bluff and I was just wanted for my physically appearance. I feel so violated”

Dot Cotton to join Extinction Rebellion, after BAFTA call for more climate change plot lines

Dot Cotton to join Extinction Rebellion, after BAFTA call for more climate change plot lines

May 16, 2019

“We want to show Dot’s decline into extreme activism”, Kris Green stated at a press launch today, “At first it will be simple things like installing a smart meter, or using eco-friendly washing liquid, but we’ll quickly introduce more alarming actions, such as planning a pop-up skate park in Albert Square, eventually leading up to Dot supergluing herself ‘Kath’s Café’ in a rabid vegan protest”.