The prime minister will outline changes to the Withdrawal Agreement Bill – including a promise to give MPs a vote on holding another referendum. Provided such a vote will be preceded by a number of “Indicative Votes” , the United Kingdom winning the Eurovision Song Contest in 2020, England winning the World Cup in 2022 and a total eclipse of the sun being visible from Westminster.
Brexit Party to now accept Nectar Points and Amazon Vouchers
May 22, 2019The Electoral Commission is visiting the offices of The Brexit Party to review how it receives funding. And in yet another bizarre twist of the tail, The Brexit Party has today announced that it will now also accept Amazon Vouchers and Nectar Points.
Heseltine loses Tory whip. MPs urged to seek BDSM services elsewhere.
May 21, 2019Speaking to Sky News, Lord Heseltine said: “They can take away the whip but they cannot take away my integrity, my convictions or my experience. I am a Conservative.” “This means staying true to the finest traditions of corporal punishment, caning, the wearing of fine leather (or latex) and rope play. These true principals at the heart of conservatism must remain intact”, he went on to add
Milkshake complains as it gets “Faraged”
May 20, 2019“I have never felt so humiliated and embarrassed”, claimed the milkshake, “One minute I am contemplating bringing joy to someone, as a lactose based, sweet, beverage. Next minute, I’ve got the leader of the Brexit Party dripping all over me.”
Madonna’s Eye Patch to go solo
May 20, 2019“I was promised much more involvement on the album”, the eye patch said. “A duet was mooted at one point and several of my poems were being considered for lyrics. I now know that was all bluff and I was just wanted for my physically appearance. I feel so violated”
Cross Party talks breakdown, after Brexit-stockpiling causes shortages of Jeremy Corbyn’s favourite biscuit
May 18, 2019After six weeks of cross party talks aimed at breaking the Brexit deadlock, the discussions have ended The final straw came, when owing to pre-Brexit stockpiling, Jeremy Corbyn’s favourite biscuit (Jammie Dodgers) was unavailable and the plainer Rich Tea was served.
Theresa May hires Southern Rail to plan the timetable for her departure
May 17, 2019Conservative Party Chairman Sir Graham Brady has announced a departure timetable for the Prime Minister will be announced in early June. And who better positioned to put that together than train operator Southern Rail?
Michael Gove to run against Michael Gove, should Michael Gove stand for Tory Leader
May 17, 2019“Last time round, the membership didn’t really have a viable alternative to Michael Gove”, stated Michael Gove, “but I feel I can offer a real alternative to the Party, by standing against Michael Gove, should Michael Gove choose to stand for election”, he added.
Jeremy Kyle to undergo live “Lie Detector Test” to prove his devastation
May 16, 2019Jeremy Kyle has said he is “devastated” following the death of a guest and cancellation of his TV show. Surprisingly, many question the truth of thee statements of the ITV ‘star’ who is on a contract of £2M year.
Dot Cotton to join Extinction Rebellion, after BAFTA call for more climate change plot lines
May 16, 2019“We want to show Dot’s decline into extreme activism”, Kris Green stated at a press launch today, “At first it will be simple things like installing a smart meter, or using eco-friendly washing liquid, but we’ll quickly introduce more alarming actions, such as planning a pop-up skate park in Albert Square, eventually leading up to Dot supergluing herself ‘Kath’s Café’ in a rabid vegan protest”.
