Voting for the next Conservative Party leader and Prime Minister closed on 22 July. The result, however, is being delayed as it seems the winner is a crudely drawn picture of male genitalia.
Ryanair threaten to ruin family holidays by flying every flight every day.
July 19, 2019Ryanair’s British pilot union is to ballot members on possible industrial action. Whilst the impact of strike action is being considered, it seems the most effective way to damage Ryanair’s reputation is to fly every flight, every day ensuring all customers receive the ‘unique’ Ryanair experience.
“Food Poisoning For All” – Boris reveals Post-Brexit Vision
July 18, 2019“My vision, for a post-Brexit Britain, is one where smoked fish based food poisoning is just not just the affliction of royalty and the upper-middle classes, but a condition freely available to the whole populous.”, waffled the leading contender in the most one-sided competition since the US Ladies football team beat Thailand 13-0.
“Trump doesn’t actually have ANY bones in his body”, leaks Presidential Osteopath.
July 17, 2019“In this instance (and for once), the President is quite correct”, stated Commander Sean Conely, current Physician to the President, “He also doesn’t have any Xenophobic, Homophobic, Transphobic, Misogynistic or Bigoted, bones in his body. In fact he doesn’t appear to have any bones at all.”
“Stupid” UK Ambassador resigns, as Boris falls in line with Trump’s Flat Earth beliefs
July 10, 2019“Here is a man, who has, quite clearly, stated the Earth is round”, waffled the soon to be Leader of the Tory Party, “When, every sane thinking power crazy politictian (myself included), is coming round to the US position that the Earth is at least a cube; rather like a wine box. A large wine box. A wine box I can paint, with happy countries trading freely with one another, using smiling ships and grinning aeroplanes.”
Corbyn finally falls off fence to endorse ‘Remain’. Also backs construction of the M1, a name change for Opal Fruits, the signing of the Magna Carta…
July 9, 2019Ambulances were called to the scene of a North London allotment, where the reports of a 70 year old man falling from a great height off a garden fence have been reported.
Trump criticises UK Ambassador for saying the world is “not flat”
July 8, 2019US President Donald Trump has criticised the UK ambassador (Sir Kim Durroch) who said in leaked emails that his administration was “inept”. “He even believes the world is not flat. Can you believe that? Round. Round like a golf ball! Now Really?”, added the President in that closed eye, mocking shirk that he has, “”The UK Ambassador is a very bad man. Very bad. Baddest ever. Not to be trusted.”
Michael Goves “delighted” to receive two Tory Leadership ballot papers
July 6, 2019“Michael Gove and myself are absolutely delighted to receive the correct number of ballot papers”, Michael Gove beamed, “This is a real recognition of the fantastic work, Michael and I, are performing in the party, bringing real issues to the forefront of modern Conservatism”, a Michael Gove said.
Jeremy Hunt to make ‘blood sports’ Olympic Sports if elected
July 4, 2019“There are thousands of Tory supporters, currently voting for their new leader, champing at the bit every weekend, wanting to exercise their right to rip an animal apart by using a rabid pack of hounds” said Hunt.
Brexit Party Turn their back on EU anthem, but not their £6,537/month salary
July 3, 2019“This sends a clear message from the UK”, stated Brexit Party leader Nigel Farage, whilst thumbing through a roll of crisp €50 notes, “By the way, the way the pound is going, we’re all insisting on being paid in Euros, for the next four months”.
