Farage outside downing street

Nigel Farage appointed ‘Name-Calling Tzar’

August 13, 2019

A spokesperson said “In this day and age it’s important that some kind of reform is introduced to control name calling. Whether you want to call a politician a ‘Fame hungry, ineffectual fuckstick’ or a maybe you’d like to call a specific celebrity an ‘irritating shit-stack of piss’ or you may want to just call Shakespeare a cunt. Either way, this fresh new direction will help.”

Hollywood to make movie of Women’s World Cup…with all male cast

Hollywood to make movie of Women’s World Cup…with all male cast

July 3, 2019

A Hollywood spokesperson explained “The problem is there aren’t any female actors that can play football nor are there any women footballers that can act so it’s their fault really.” Early rumours suggest that Dwayne Johnson will play Ellen White, Johnny Depp will play Captain Steph Houghton  and Daniel Radcliffe will go in goal.

PM Contenders show off wives and policies. Bikini round to start next week

Tory Leadership contest to include swimwear and evening-wear rounds

June 12, 2019

Whilst Michael Gove is expected to breeze through the evening wear round with a top hat and tails ensemble his decision to parade in a self-knitted bathing suit may cost him some valuable support. Firm favourite Boris Johnson is rumoured to be planning a smart but casual look for the evening and then lighten the mood with a fluorescent pink mankini.