A spokesperson said “In this day and age it’s important that some kind of reform is introduced to control name calling. Whether you want to call a politician a ‘Fame hungry, ineffectual fuckstick’ or a maybe you’d like to call a specific celebrity an ‘irritating shit-stack of piss’ or you may want to just call Shakespeare a cunt. Either way, this fresh new direction will help.”
Sir Kim Darroch, UK ambassador to the US has resigned after Trump called him a pompous fool following Darroch calling the president ‘inept’. Not content with the resignation Trump passed a note to Darroch telling him to meet him behind the sports hall after school as he was going to get a good kicking.
A Hollywood spokesperson explained “The problem is there aren’t any female actors that can play football nor are there any women footballers that can act so it’s their fault really.” Early rumours suggest that Dwayne Johnson will play Ellen White, Johnny Depp will play Captain Steph Houghton and Daniel Radcliffe will go in goal.
Whilst Michael Gove is expected to breeze through the evening wear round with a top hat and tails ensemble his decision to parade in a self-knitted bathing suit may cost him some valuable support. Firm favourite Boris Johnson is rumoured to be planning a smart but casual look for the evening and then lighten the mood with a fluorescent pink mankini.
Filming for the latest James Bond film was put on hold and the set placed on total lockdown after three huge explosions ripped through the set injuring a member of the crew. But, James was un-nerved as he casually walked away before ordering a shaken not stirred Martini and then winking at a sexy lady who made or may not have been a Russian spy.