Boris Johnson has today explained the reason that he has given his backing to the HS2 project going ahead ‘in full’ at a cost of around £100bn.
“I really can’t be bothered to deliver presents to insensitive arseholes who vote in such a complete shower of shit,” said the rosy fellow today. “If they think that they can vote to make themselves richer and the poor poorer, and STILL expect a present off me, then they can just fuck right off,” he laughed.
In-keeping with the rolling back of its prices, Asda is also planning on rolling back its attitude to its employees…
UK coastguards have today announced that they have intercepted a number of cancers attempting to cross the channel in search of a ‘better and longer life’ in the United Kingdom. It follows this morning’s news that the UK is lagging behind its continental counterparts when it comes to patient survival rates.
Former Eurovision winner Jay Aston has announced that she is going to stand as an MP for the Brexit Party, in the London seat of Kensington, despite stating that she wants to ‘uphold democracy’. However, former band members have said that this is a cry for help and that their former colleague has never accepted that the Land of Make Believe was simply a shit pop song and not a prophecy.