Fans of Premier League club Newcastle United have said that they are ‘absolutely flabbergasted’ at the level of understanding that Mike Ashley has shown towards his employees.
Families have been advised to use on-line services to stay in touch, in particular Facetime, Whatsapp and Skype, to combat loneliness during the current coronavirus lockdown. A self-isolating, 83-year-old grandmother, who was advised by her grandson in 1999 to use the name of her pet to remember her email password, has just been forced to buy her 73rd cat, after registering for Skype.
Churches in England have today announced that they will live-stream services to parishioners and will restrict weddings to a maximum of five people, due to the coronavirus pandemic However, despite their efforts to stay connected, God has today announced that, no matter what the vicar says, He will not be ‘all around you’, ‘with you in spirit’ or ‘there when you need Him’, due to Him self-isolating for a fortnight after Jesus developed a ‘dry cough and a temperature’ overnight.
Dogs have been at the centre of controversy today, after it was revealed that they are charging humans ‘extortionate fees’ to show them how to clean themselves ‘quickly and comfortably’ on even the roughest of carpets. Despite the claims that they are trying to make a quick profit from the current toilet roll crisis, the founder of the movement, an anonymous poodle who wanted only to be identified as Mr Dog, spoke to us earlier today.
Boris Johnson has today assured Home Secretary Priti Patel that she has little to fear from the investigation into claims that she bullied staff, as he strives to maintain an element of tokenism within the cabinet. Mr Johnson stated that it is ‘unthinkable’ that he loses another brown person, following the recent resignation of former Chancellor, Sajid Javid.
“I really can’t be bothered to deliver presents to insensitive arseholes who vote in such a complete shower of shit,” said the rosy fellow today. “If they think that they can vote to make themselves richer and the poor poorer, and STILL expect a present off me, then they can just fuck right off,” he laughed.