Troops deployed in Middle England are being equipped for urban combat with MG42 Dysons to keep hallways spick and span, and Centurion sewing machines for fixing the hems of any observed fraying curtains. Their training will include ‘how to read the Daily Mail from cover to cover’, and ‘being just the right amount of racist to be able to fit in’.
Unfortunately, the investigating officer has been unable to find the investigating officer. ‘I appear to have completely disappeared,’ he said. ‘I thought I saw him whilst I was looking in a shop window, but on entering the premises I could see no sign of him. CCTV evidence has since been obtained which clearly shows I was in fact correct as he can be seen to have been in that shop at around the time I thought I saw him.’
It’s not “just” about delaying Brexit without delaying Brexit, insists May. Government analysts doubt Britain will be in a good enough state to hold Christmas at all after nine months of Brexit, so they’ve decided to bring it forward. Most high street stores have warmly welcomed the idea of an early Christmas which complements their own plans, started long before anyone can remember, to gradually start Christmas earlier and earlier each year.
Ryanair also won in 2014. Against tough competition from Malaysia Airlines, who still have no idea what happened to Flight MH370 and all its passengers. It was a close call, with Malaysia Airlines only losing out after Ryanair’s lawyers pointed out that the route from Kuala Lumpur to Beijing is 414km over the definition of a short-haul flight.
If you and your partner still live together, getting a divorce often depends on the judge’s interpretation of unreasonable behaviour. Acceptable reasons should include’ admitting you gave them socks as a present for twenty consecutive years or more’, and ‘Not watching ‘Strictly Come Dancing’ together’.
Although we should point out that he will not technically be Pope until 11pm on March 29th when red, white and blue smoke will be seen rising from the chapel of the European Research Group. At this point, UK Catholic Churches will no longer be allowed to report to an authority in Europe and will be expected to switch their faith to Brexit.
By the age of 10, the average child has exceeded the recommended level of sugar intake for an 18-year-old. Experts recommend 4 to 6 year-olds should have no more than five cubes of sugar a day; 7 to 10 year-olds, 5 cubes and 11+, no more than 6 cubes a day. Food Manufacturers are proposing that a more effective way to meet these targets would be to simply increase the size of sugar cubes.