Amazon has apologised for sending out some pre-ordered copies of The Testaments, Margaret Atwood’s follow-up to The Handmaid’s Tale. And, to the annoyance of many Brexiteers, Amazon have also been found to have delivered all the benefits of Brexit to their Prime customers before the official delivery date.
Man completely blind (to the effects of a hard Brexit) after living on a diet of crisps (and beer)
September 3, 2019Experts are warning about the dangers of “fussy eating” after a 17-year-old suffered irreparable sight loss after living on a diet of crisps and chips. But the news comes far too late for a man who’s been living on a diet of crisps and beer and is now completely blind to any adverse effects of a hard Brexit.
Parliament Suspension causes furious backlash from MP’s partners
August 30, 2019The prime minister’s decision to suspend Parliament has prompted an angry backlash from MPs and opponents of a no-deal Brexit. And an even bigger backlash from MP’s partners who were at the end of their tether; in some cases, where an MP has particular sexual tastes, quite literally.
BBC’s new adjustable Voice Assistant will lean to the left, or to the right, depending on your tastes
August 28, 2019The device would be adjustable to enable the device to tilt towards the left or right after a test group complained that, despite the evidence of a spirit level, the device was heavily leaning towards one side; although no one could agree to which side it was leaning.
Optimists reduce life expectancy for everyone else
August 27, 2019A study has found that optimists are more likely to live longer than those who have a more negative approach to life – because they shorten the life span of everybody else by being a major source of their ill health through the stress that they cause. Positive people were more likely to live to the age of 85 or more. A representative for pessimists said that the results didn’t surprise them.
PM says chances of Brexit deal are “touch and go”, as Brexit now to be decided in an international game of Tag
August 26, 2019Boris’s made his latest move at the G7 summit, slapping Emmanuel Macron on the back at the G7 summit. He then cried out, “You’re Brex-It!” and ran away from a rather bemused Macron. Merkel has explained to Macron that Boris is under the false impression that whoever is ‘Brex-It’ at midnight on 31st December loses Brexit.
As airports introduce 3D scanners, Ryanair introduce £50 3D glasses surcharge
August 25, 2019In trials, passengers trying out their 3D glasses were amazed as they watched their baggage trundle off into the distance on a conveyor belt, never to be seen again.
Experts claim just one cyanide pill can fix Brexit
August 23, 2019Just one pill that will save the whole country an estimated £600 million a week. “All we have to do is persuade Boris Johnson to take it,” said one member of the team slipping the tablet into a box labelled Viagra.
Boris “solves” backstop problem by asking Merkel if the UK can buy Ireland from the EU
August 22, 2019German Chancellor Angela Merkel has give the UK 30 days to come up with a solution to the Brexit deal impasse. And Boris Johnson defied his critics, who claimed he didn’t have a solution, by announcing that he intends to purchase Ireland from the EU.
Militant Vegans demand NHS replace pig-heart surgery with cabbage-heart surgery
August 18, 2019A Militant Vegan group has demanded that all research on pig hearts should cease, with the focus instead being on how to transfer a cabbage heart to a human being.
