Troops deployed in Middle England are being equipped for urban combat with MG42 Dysons to keep hallways spick and span, and Centurion sewing machines for fixing the hems of any observed fraying curtains. Their training will include ‘how to read the Daily Mail from cover to cover’, and ‘being just the right amount of racist to be able to fit in’.
‘Sexist’ Oxford Monopoly also gives ‘privileged players’ special chance cards. ‘Go to University. Directly to University. Do not pass exams. Do not worry about a student loan’.
January 12, 2019Privileged players also avoid the income tax penalties on community chest cards by using a separate bank based in the Cayman Islands, and start each game with a house already built on a property of their choice.
Mums left in shock after finding Klu Klux Klan toys inside Kinder Surprise Egg. Kinder insists KKK eggs easy to avoid in-store, always positioned on the far right.
January 10, 2019The confectionery company have also pointed out that they have never claimed the surprise in their surprise eggs would be a nice surprise and that, whilst they may look brown, Kinder eggs have always been very white on the inside.
Scottish Govt. admit they shouldn’t have appointed an investigating officer with prior involvement. Investigation into how it happened will now see the investigating officer investigate himself.
January 8, 2019Unfortunately, the investigating officer has been unable to find the investigating officer. ‘I appear to have completely disappeared,’ he said. ‘I thought I saw him whilst I was looking in a shop window, but on entering the premises I could see no sign of him. CCTV evidence has since been obtained which clearly shows I was in fact correct as he can be seen to have been in that shop at around the time I thought I saw him.’
After Russia’s ‘most advanced robot ever’ turned out to be a man in a suit, UK man in suit turns out to be robot called Jacob Rees-Mogg. (And other CES 2019 news).
January 8, 2019Robotics company Robotemi also announced at CES 2019 that it’s bringing Alexa to its Temi robot. So, for example, someone who can’t find their glasses can say, “Alexa, go to the bedroom and check if my glasses are by the bed.” And, when found, they will then blame Alexa for having moved them.
Only 76 days to Christmas and an extra 31 days before Brexit, if Theresa manages to pass her “May-an Calendar” bill.
January 7, 2019It’s not “just” about delaying Brexit without delaying Brexit, insists May. Government analysts doubt Britain will be in a good enough state to hold Christmas at all after nine months of Brexit, so they’ve decided to bring it forward. Most high street stores have warmly welcomed the idea of an early Christmas which complements their own plans, started long before anyone can remember, to gradually start Christmas earlier and earlier each year.
Ryanair voted least-liked airline for 6th year running. Most-liked – with zero complaints, and also zero planes – Seaborne Flights.
January 6, 2019Ryanair also won in 2014. Against tough competition from Malaysia Airlines, who still have no idea what happened to Flight MH370 and all its passengers. It was a close call, with Malaysia Airlines only losing out after Ryanair’s lawyers pointed out that the route from Kuala Lumpur to Beijing is 414km over the definition of a short-haul flight.
13 divorces filed on Xmas Day: the perfect, selfless present for the loved one who doesn’t love you any more.
January 5, 2019If you and your partner still live together, getting a divorce often depends on the judge’s interpretation of unreasonable behaviour. Acceptable reasons should include’ admitting you gave them socks as a present for twenty consecutive years or more’, and ‘Not watching ‘Strictly Come Dancing’ together’.
Brexit soon to become UK’s leading religion, according to new Pope Jacob Rees-Mogg
January 4, 2019Although we should point out that he will not technically be Pope until 11pm on March 29th when red, white and blue smoke will be seen rising from the chapel of the European Research Group. At this point, UK Catholic Churches will no longer be allowed to report to an authority in Europe and will be expected to switch their faith to Brexit.
Public Health England recommends reducing consumption of Sugar across the board. BBC responds by dropping last 10mins from The Apprentice.
January 3, 2019By the age of 10, the average child has exceeded the recommended level of sugar intake for an 18-year-old. Experts recommend 4 to 6 year-olds should have no more than five cubes of sugar a day; 7 to 10 year-olds, 5 cubes and 11+, no more than 6 cubes a day. Food Manufacturers are proposing that a more effective way to meet these targets would be to simply increase the size of sugar cubes.