Due to the absolute ‘fuck up’ this year has been, the Queen will not be delivering a prepared speech. She will instead be smoking, and drinking a bottle of Jack Daniels in silence. This is expected to last around half an hour, or until the Queen finishes her bottle of Jack, whichever comes first.
Boris Johnson is being accused of a negative bias towards the working class after his comments towards them over the years. He is also facing controversy for a new proposal whereby, if the Conservatives win the election, it will be legal for Tory MPs to literally shake the working class by their ankles and take any change and money that falls from their pockets.
Slade guitarist Dave Hill recently revealed that the band’s biggest hit, Merry Christmas Everybody, is such a popular song among fans that they’re requested to play it all year round. This news coincides with the fact it was recently December 1st, and as such, Noddy Holder has made his annual emergence into the world, from out of a series of mines in the black country where he usually resides.
Many have suggested that Rees-Mogg was absent from the Manifesto launch due to backlash following his remarks about the Grenfell tower fire. This is not the case however, with the Conservative party releasing a statement that Rees-Mogg was busy “engaging in a battle of wits with his peer and nemesis; 19th century detective Sherlock Holmes.”