Dyson to move HQ to Singapore. ‘Nothing to do with Brexit’, insists founder famous for making things that really, really, suck.

January 23, 2019

The move by the appliance maker means two executives will relocate – chief financial officer Jorn Jensen and chief technical officer Martin Bowen. The company had insisted that no jobs will be lost. Although given that Dyson products are manufactured in Malaysia, the only jobs still based in the UK are those of Sir James Dyson’s housekeeper – an elderly lady on minimum wage called Mabel – and a guard dog called Winston.

Crossed Fingers Collider

Scientists announce successor to the Large Hadron Collider. Brexit-weary Brits hoping this one might do a better job of ‘accidentally’ tearing the Universe apart…

January 17, 2019

CERN has published its ideas for a £20bn successor to the Large Hadron Collider, under the official name of Future Circular Collider (FCC). Which admittedly doesn’t sound half as cool as some of the codename used internally: the ‘Massive F***-Off Hadron Collider’. Or indeed the nicknames used by the team informally: Look at my ring’, ‘The Party-Cool Physics Zone’ and the ‘Look at this, Who’s The Sad Nerd Now, Bitches?’ project.

“Wheels came before walls” says Trump.  “God invented them, and the next day he built a wall around the Garden of Eden to keep those damn Mexicans out”.

January 12, 2019

Trump then continued his rambling speech by talking about the expensive cars that the Secret Service use and the wheels on those vehicles. No-one is quite sure how long he spoke for, as something more relevant and interesting began happening while the President was speaking. A full report on that paint drying will be published shortly.

“Mercy Mercy Me” says Sheeran – “What’s going on?! I’ve never listened to Marvin Gaye in my life. I’ve only ever heard his name through the Grapevine”.

January 6, 2019

Despite this, Judge Louis Stanton declared that he found ‘substantial similarities between several of the two works’ musical elements’. Ed Sheeran strenuously denies the claims, saying he would never copy the Motown legend in any way at all, and that his song ‘Ain’t nothing like the real thing’.

David Cameron’s commons pass has expired. Unlike his continuing membership at the local abattoir.

January 2, 2019

Cameron’s team may have accidentally let his commons pass expire, but they’re still in his good books – because they’ve managed to ensure his membership at the local abattoir has stayed in good standing. He treats that place like a library. Pops in when the missus is away, sees if there is something he’d like to dive into, takes it home, ploughs through it and then returns it. And then repeat ad-nauseum. Emphasis on the nauseum.