“I’ve been married to Melania for years now and I have been the best husband to her, bigly, but she hasn’t touched ‘little Donald’ in ten years so it is time to ditch her and get a new wife, and Katie Hopkins is the obvious choice. I can also make her the UK’s ambassador to the US at the same time. I am so darn smart.”
“I’m sure Willy Wonka the rest of the Oompa-Loompas would welcome him back with open arms. At the end of the day, he’s a weird looking, self-obsessed creepy narcissist who couldn’t give a damn about the well-being of the children in his care, and so is Willy Wonka. They’ll get on like a house on fire.”
From today, the voice-assisted technology is automatically searching the official NHS website when UK users ask for health-related advice. Meaning that users are able to get a quick, free diagnosis from the plastic cylinder in their lounge that the unusual feeling in their stomach or in one of their limbs is most probably cancer and that they’d better start making funeral arrangements.
The news comes days after a video was released by the French presidency showed Ms Trump attempting to butt into a conversation between Theresa May, Emmanuel Macron and Christine Lagarde, the head of the International Monetary Fund, at the recent G20 summit. Making it the first time at a gathering of world leaders in which Theresa May wasn’t considered the most ineffective person in the room.
“This will both improve trade and allow people to get to Europe quickly and easily, without having to take a boat from somewhere called Dover that I only learned about last year. I’m a bit of a visionary, you see. No-one could have imagined a object like this. I’m going to call it the ‘Channel Tunnel” he concluded.
“I must admit to having done drugs on a number of social occasions in the past” he said. “And by ‘drugs’ I naturally mean caffeine. I have had it in both loose leaf and teabag form, and on one occasion I even had an espresso. I can only apologise to the Labour Party for my hedonistic lifestyle, and the burst of focus and productivity that the caffeine gave me when I took it. And I promise to never be that focused and driven again.”