Met Office warns Brits to stay inside to avoid the high risk of other Brits moaning incessantly about the icy weather

Met Office warns Brits to stay inside to avoid the high risk of other Brits moaning incessantly about the icy weather.

January 23, 2019

Icy weather and snowfall has been seen across much of the country for the past few days – and is set to continue. The public are being warned to stay indoors to avoid the risk of neighbours or coworkers saying something banal and annoying like ‘oh hasn’t the temperature dropped’ or ‘do you think it’s going to settle? I don’t think it’s going to settle.’ or ‘the last time I felt this cold was when I hugged my mother in law.’

Netflix hit ‘Tidying up with Marie Kondo’ causes surge in charity shop donations. Her plan all along! Marie spotted smuggling all that cheap tat back into her messy London home.

January 22, 2019

Marie’s philosophy is the ‘KonMar’ method – where you get rid of an object if looking at it doesn’t ‘spark joy’ The result has been catastrophic for some as they have thrown away some really quite important medicines; when seeing them, they don’t feel joy – just a sad reminder of their health problems.

Theresa May on First Dates 2

Theresa May has just 3 days to come up with a plan Parliament will accept. Begins speed dating MPs to try and find ‘the one’ (anyone) who’ll back her.

January 18, 2019

She’s meeting with as many MPs as she can in the meantime. She’s effectively speed dating. But whereas a regular singleton might be looking for ‘the one’, Mrs May is just looking for ‘anyone’. Anyone to back her new plan Bonus points if they’ve got any ideas as to what that new plan should entail – because she’s stumped.

As shutdown leaves White House with no catering staff, Trump orders in enough McDonalds to feed 5,000. Instantly proclaims miracle, and declares himself better than Jesus

As shutdown leaves White House with no catering staff, Trump orders in enough McDonald’s to feed 5000. Instantly proclaims miracle, and declares himself better than Jesus.

January 16, 2019

He welcomed the winners of the national college football championship, the Clemson Tigers, with more than 300 burgers as well as fries and pizzas. Trump shared images with his followers, making note that he had millions more than Jesus ever had and that the son of God’s social media presence was ‘sad, like really sad’.