After years of speculation the sale of Newcastle Utd Football Club moved a step closer yesterday. Owner Mike Ashley slapped a tacky ‘Mega Value’ sticker on the club and gave it pride of place between Wrangler jeans in sizes for XL – XXXL and football shirts that are only three years out of date.
With fears that people may not follow government guidelines on going outside and respecting social distancing this weekend, police and local authority officials have been patrolling to monitor the situation. And it appears that much of the problem stems from both sexes being told that 2 metres is equivalent to 6 inches times by twelve.
The world’s longest ever game of ‘Where’s Priti?’ is finally over after the Home Secretary appeared at Saturday’s Coronavirus daily briefing. Ms Patel appeared wearing the trademark red and white jumper and bobble hat as she opened the briefing by mocking the press for not being able to find her for the last three weeks.
With Boris Johnson still recovering in hospital, some people are calling for a caretaker Prime Minister. And Jim from Hillside Secondary Modern said he’s heard the call and wants to throw his hat into the ring. Jim said he prefers the term Site Manager but that ‘a time of national crisis is not the place to be discussing semantics.’