Sir David Attenborough has said Parliament is ‘basically useless’. He told the first Citizens’ Assembly that having a five-year fixed parliament is not good for long term planning to save the planet.
In a statement The Queen said, ‘Henceforth, the talented and handsome Prince William, Duke of Cambridge, second heir to the throne, dedicated air ambulance pilot and all round top bloke, will be known as “Favourite Grandson” and will be entitled to wealth and riches worthy of someone who isn’t a turncoat and a traitor to his royal roots.’
Coca Cola will not ditch single use plastics. The firm’s head of sustainability, Bea Perez said, ‘Fuck the planet.’ She acknowledged that polar ice caps melting and bush fires in Australia are ‘inconvenient’ but said she couldn’t see how they are ‘worse than having a bottle without a screw top lid.’
The government says it will introduce an Australian-style points-based system by January 2021 to make immigration rules ‘more equal’. The system has been endorsed by Aboriginal tribes from Australia who described as ‘definitely the fairest way.’ One Aboriginal leader told reporters he initially had ‘reservations’ about the Australian system. But then a white man with money and power explained to him that ‘things are better this way’ and the system suddenly ‘made sense.’