The UK remains in lockdown and many people haven’t left their homes for over a week. And one dog in Dorking has asked his owner to ‘bugger off and give me some space.’
NHS and social care staff will be given free car parking during the Coronavirus outbreak. The news comes after 400,000 people signed a petition urging the government to thank NHS workers by scrapping charges. And not because the fucking government actually give a shit about the people that are at the forefront of the fight against Coronavirus.
Last week Rishi Sunak promised to do ‘whatever it takes’ to get Britain through the Coronavirus pandemic and pledged an initial £350b to combating the virus and protecting UK citizens. But with pretty much the whole leisure industry in lockdown and people being advised to stay at home, the Treasury is bracing itself for a ‘massive increase’ in Child Benefit payments in 2021 which could put even greater pressure on the economy than the virus itself.
A Dulwich man has decided to self-isolate after he realised it’s the only way to avoid hearing stories about how empty the supermarkets are. In his final Facebook post before his self-imposed exile, he said he will spend the next fourteen days ‘watching Netflix, eating whatever’s in the cupboard and absolutely not interacting with anybody by any means.’
As schools close to all but the children of key workers, the teenage son of an NHS nurse in London has insisted that his mum is really a stripper. Dave Bridge, 15, has told his head teacher that all those years of saying his mum was working overtime to care for vulnerable patients was just a cover for the fact that she was out until all hours showing her tits to filthy old men in clubs.