While the Queen is always officially impartial, palace sources have suggested she’s keen to get this mess sorted out. “One has another great-grandchild due in April. And one would really appreciate it if Brexit was tidied up by then” – she almost certainly said.
Built using an advanced form of 3D printing known as flushing, the fatberg consists of discarded wet wipes, hardened fat, and the excess sugar no longer legally required to animate children. Commissioned by the Royal Navy, this latest carbon-neutral addition to the fleet will be in full service within eight weeks – joining HMS Mersey in her efforts to deter migrants from crossing the channel.
Bez has also been less than complimentary on fracking for personal use: “First, you might frack a bit of shale in the garden to boost the patio heater for dinner-party friends at the weekend, and it’s a laugh, you get a buzz off the tremors. Then before you know it you’re living in a frack-den full of frack-heads pipelining half the neighbourhood and you can’t remember the last time you snorted fresh air. So, just say no, man!”
Despite being ‘on-loan’ to the DUP and having a poor track record in Europe, some life-long die-hard Tory fans admire their gaffer’s ultra-defensive strategy of ‘never capitulating from an opinion, even in the face of an overwhelming attack to the contrary’, and also claiming: ‘she trains well, you’ll never see Theresa sat on the floor of a carriage.’
The bags’ tea-trapping mesh sides are sealed using a new plant-based agent, which is ‘misbehaving’ and can no longer be relied upon for giving a clear brew. Or a Clear Blue. “We are sensitive to the needs of our valued customers and propose a solution be actioned without delay. As from tomorrow our tea will be packaged in single-use perforated condoms. But not ones in those jazzy day-glo colours, that would be disgusting.”
“It’s not about me” explained Tony in an interview, as he selflessly offered to heal the wound that is Brexit. “The good people of Ireland and the UK know I can deliver. Look at the Good Friday Agreement, it wasn’t named the Bad Friday Agreement, was it? I can be any kind of border that’s needed: hard, soft, frictionless, transparent, hard again.”
The human organ had been used as a prop in the music video for ‘You Said Our Love was First Class, So Why’s My Heart Always Riding In Coach’. Darnella Dimple explains: “We borrowed an actual heart to use as a metaphor for a real heart, we just forgot to take it back. Oh, and our drummer forgot his sticks too”.