A fatberg longer than Nelson’s Column is being released from a sewer under Sidmouth. The Royal Navy estimate it’ll be ready for border duty in eight weeks

A fatberg longer than Nelson’s Column is being released from a sewer under Sidmouth. The Royal Navy estimate it’ll be ready for border duty in eight weeks.

January 9, 2019

Built using an advanced form of 3D printing known as flushing, the fatberg consists of discarded wet wipes, hardened fat, and the excess sugar no longer legally required to animate children. Commissioned by the Royal Navy, this latest carbon-neutral addition to the fleet will be in full service within eight weeks – joining HMS Mersey in her efforts to deter migrants from crossing the channel.

Bez can celebrate, as industrial Fracking now banned in Greater Manchester! Immediately shifts campaign over to the dangers of personal use instead.

January 8, 2019

Bez has also been less than complimentary on fracking for personal use: “First, you might frack a bit of shale in the garden to boost the patio heater for dinner-party friends at the weekend, and it’s a laugh, you get a buzz off the tremors. Then before you know it you’re living in a frack-den full of frack-heads pipelining half the neighbourhood and you can’t remember the last time you snorted fresh air. So, just say no, man!”

Yorkshire Tea admit their bags are no longer reliable for making a brew. Or for use as make-shift contraceptives.

December 20, 2018

The bags’ tea-trapping mesh sides are sealed using a new plant-based agent, which is ‘misbehaving’ and can no longer be relied upon for giving a clear brew. Or a Clear Blue. “We are sensitive to the needs of our valued customers and propose a solution be actioned without delay. As from tomorrow our tea will be packaged in single-use perforated condoms. But not ones in those jazzy day-glo colours, that would be disgusting.”

Tony Blair calls on May to ‘switch course’ on Brexit. “Make ME the frictionless Irish border”, says Teflon Tony.

December 15, 2018

“It’s not about me” explained Tony in an interview, as he selflessly offered to heal the wound that is Brexit. “The good people of Ireland and the UK know I can deliver. Look at the Good Friday Agreement, it wasn’t named the Bad Friday Agreement, was it? I can be any kind of border that’s needed: hard, soft, frictionless, transparent, hard again.”