The victim of the car crash that saw Prince Philip overturn his Land Rover has suggested he should be prosecuted. Instead the BBC have taken the rather obvious step of making him the lead presenter of ‘Top Gear’. Creakingly old, inherently bigoted and being entirely funded by the public, this cheap reversal gag could apply to either the Queen’s husband or Top Gear.
Theresa May pitches MPs her Plan B. Appears to be exactly the same as ‘Plan A’ but with ‘pretty, pretty please’ written after every line.
January 21, 2019MPs in the House of Commons are due to vote on any proposal next Tuesday, after the original plan was defeated last Tuesday by a record-breaking 230 votes. In its clever new guise, the new plan would be considered a successful if it is defeated by only 229 votes.
Corbyn urges end of ‘zombie government’. New spin-off of ‘The Walking Dead’ to become even more tedious than original
January 17, 2019Austere The Walking Dead would feature an unexpected twist, as killing one isn’t so simple because impaling them in the head has no effect. The only way of knocking them off is stabbing them in the back, said a spokesman for the zombie Michael Gove.
10 Things That May Happen in Post-Brexit Britain. Spoiler: they WILL happen. Number six will REALLY depress you.
January 16, 2019As per all the other news outlets, we’ve crunched the numbers, examined all the likely scenarios and have come up with a run-down of the top 10 things that are very likely to happen after an inevitable no-deal Brexit. Spoiler: They will happen.
Trump accused of manufacturing crises. Immediately takes credit for record rises in the Crisis Manufacturing industry.
January 9, 2019“These are great, great days for American crisis manufacturing” said the Trumpster. “Of course, I am at the heart of this rise in crisis manufacturing and am very proud to have made true on my promise to have American crisis…es… es… es..? … 100% made by American people. i.e. me. Just me. No-one else.”
Police under pressure over harassment of MPs, after Anna Soubry heinously referred to as a ‘Tory’.
January 8, 2019The Broxtowe MP, who has often been accused of not meeting enough of the bellendery criteria to actually be a ‘proper Tory’ took objection, saying “I don’t know why anyone has this ridiculous view of me.
Trump throws toys out of pram over funding bills. Ends up building wall.
January 4, 2019Mr Trump methodically threw toy after toy out of his pram, whilst his daughter and son-in-law kept bringing an infinite supply of toys in so he could continue until the toys – ironically – formed an enormous wall between him and Nancy Pelosi.
Sales of CDs plummet by 23% in a year, as consumers finally realise that talking to Alexa is easier that going up to the attic to look for them.
January 3, 2019The biggest selling physical CD of the year was That’s What I Call Music 101! Which sounds like a beginner’s course in the popular Various Artists compilations. Shrinking shelf space in supermarkets contributed to the slowdown. That, and there’s less tall people to ask you to get the CDs off the higher shelves.
Theresa May promises not to fight in next election. Bookies instantly stop taking bets on her fighting in next election.
December 13, 2018Given her previous, bookies up and down the country immediately stopped taking bets on her fighting the next election just minutes after she made the announcement – realising what she promises is about as likely as Mexico paying for a border wall halfway between Mexico and, well, Cornwall.
ECJ: Brexit can easily be cancelled. Just privatise the process and hand the franchise to Southern Rail.
December 11, 2018All the government needs to do is privatise the Brexit process, and hand the contract to Southern Rail – who’ve been expertly cancelling anything and everything in sight for years. The franchise’s commuters, who are increasingly taking both a tent and canned goods on their trips to work, have unanimously backed the suggestion – insisting that Southern Rail really are experts in such matters.