Boris Johnson has won the first round of the Tory leadership contest after getting 114 votes. It transpires he’s won the votes by offering MPs a role in his upcoming administration. And, when he does become PM, 114 different people have been promised the role of Chancellor.
Wales’ bad results down to Alex Ferguson stopping Ryan Giggs going on international duty
June 14, 2019“Sir Alex doesn’t want him to get injured whilst away on international duty and thus unable to get on with his real job: redacting his name from newspaper reports” explained a source.
Nike introduce drug-taking mannequins to inspire people to take up athletics
June 13, 2019Other aspirational mannequins being introducing are a mannequin covered in cold, hard cash for those hoping to win the lottery, a geriatric mannequin waving its fist at the BBC and a mannequin flipping the double bird to the general public, which is the aspiration of every high street store’s Executive Board.
10 people vying to lead country all prove they know fuck all about leading a country
June 12, 2019There are ten people in the race to be the next leader of the country. And each of those ten people vying to be the next person to lead the country are slowly revealing quite how little they know about leading a country, especially one as divided as this one.
Michael Gove leadership pledge to rename it ‘Crackhouse of Commons’
June 9, 2019Usually filled with people wandering aimlessly, unable to communicate effectively with severely impaired judgement, the House of Commons is where the country’s most important decisions are made.
New Tory Leadership contest criteria mean you’re not qualified unless you’ve destroyed at least one planet with your Death Star
June 5, 2019The Conservatives have agreed changes designed to speed up the contest to succeed Theresa May as leader. Early suggestions for the qualifying criteria ranged from having to submit tax returns – which no Tory MP has done… ever, all the way to disdain for the poor – but that didn’t narrow it down to anyone.
Alastair Campbell confirms Liberal Democrat leadership bid
June 1, 2019Campbell faces competition from a number of people no-one’s ever heard of, like that one that said something to Vince Cable once and another one that on occasion wore a yellow rosette.
Uber posts £1bn loss after delivering first post-flotation figures. Driver doing the delivery was round the corner from where he should have been.
May 31, 2019Uber has posted a $1bn loss as it delivered its first figures since a flotation early this month. It turns out the driver tasked with the delivery was around the corner from where he should have been, shouting into the phone that the receiver come and find him. He’s in a blue Prius! No! LIGHT blue!
Boris accused of lying. Rap sheet only extends to ‘everything he’s ever said and done’.
May 30, 2019Boris Johnson is being sued for suggesting £350m goes to the EU each week during the 2016 Referendum. His lawyer turned up with his defence, but unfortunately, couldn’t drive the bus upon which it was written through the door.
Labour expel entire membership for voting LibDem
May 29, 2019Tony Blair’s former spin doctor Alastair Campbell says he has been expelled from the Labour Party after voting for the Liberal Democrats in the European elections. The Labour Party will now expel every single one of its members after it was found that all of them had voted LibDem in the EU elections last week.
