Boris Johnson has tested positive for Covid-19. As such, ‘Designated Survivor’, Dominic Raab, has been training like he’s Rocky in that montage that everyone knows. You know, the one with the ‘dada daaaaaaa, dada daaaaaaaa’ music.
House of Lords wakes to find London deserted
March 27, 2020Members of the House of Lords have today awoken to find most of London completely deserted, like they’re the protagonist in an apocalyptic thriller, which is what they all believe anyway.
Agoraphobes holding claustrophobes to ransom with sky-high prices for their single daily dose of leaving house
March 26, 2020The Conservative government has put measures in place to restrict everyone to ‘leave home once a day’, for exercise, essential shopping and going to a place of work, only if vital. However, these free-market, libertarian economic principles are allowing agoraphobics to demand sky high prices from claustrophobics for their single daily occurrence of getting out the house.
Teachers opening last-minute ‘End Of Year’ presents to find dog biscuits and own-brand cheese sauce granules.
March 22, 2020England’s schools closed yesterday after directives from the government to protect from the coronavirus. Teachers were presented with last-minute gifts; in many cases, the only things parents could get hold of in stores with completely empty shelves
Jeremy Corbyn asks Boris to ‘tone down the socialism’ as it’s making him uncomfortable
March 22, 2020Jeremy Corbyn has asked Boris to tone down his incredible acts of socialism as it’s making him look as right-wing as the Koch brothers.
Socks experiencing ‘very difficult time’ as men ‘working from home’ trying not to use too much toilet paper
March 22, 2020Due to the coronavirus, millions are working at home at a time when getting hold of supplies of toilet paper are very difficult. In particular, socks all over the UK are in for a horrific time, as millions of men who have been forced to ‘work from home’ are trying to use as little toilet paper as possible.
Covid-19 emails the new GDPR emails
March 19, 2020All organisations countrywide are sending out updates on how they are affected by the Covid-19 coronavirus. These emails are so numerous they are risking becoming the new new GDPR emails.
BBC Premier League highlights 2020/21 to consist of 38 repeats of Mrs Brown’s Boys
March 19, 2020Match of the Day is not on for the foreseeable future, after games were postponed until at least April due to the spread of the coronavirus. The BBC instead has and will continue to screen repeats of Mrs Brown’s Boys.
Divine intervention as everyone stockpiling loo roll for coronavirus suddenly gets norovirus
March 10, 2020God Almighty has decided to get involved in the coronavirus debacle by inflicting norovirus on every single person who stockpiled toilet rolls because they haven’t clearly understood the symptoms of Covid-19.
Coronavirus revealed to be huge scam by firms selling antibacterial hand gel
March 4, 2020Shops are reporting selling out of antibacterial gel as soon as any stock is placed on the shelves. Covid-19, the world’s premier coronavirus, has now been revealed as a huge marketing scam carried out by firms trying to up sales of said gel.
