The monolithic project has been badly affected by sudden and unexpected amounts of incompetence since the 23rd July. It is showing serious signs of wear and tear and could give way at any time.
New Monopoly Brexit Edition has ‘Chance’ as every single space.
July 30, 2019Cards include: “Get out of jail free. If you’re rich. Otherwise, life imprisonment regardless of how many doubles you throw.”, “You have won 2nd prize in a beauty contest. Loser. 2nd is NOTHING! Lose all your money on reconstructive facial surgery.” and “You have won a Cross Word competition. Because you are a Leave voter. Well done.”
Mike Ashley: “Sports Direct’s House of Fraser Purchase was a mistake, and I’m an enormous mug”
July 28, 2019It looks like Mike’s decision to buy the department store is making him look like one of the gigantic mugs for which he’s famous.
Boris to create new Cabinet, after having finished having Mother of All Wanks in his new office
July 24, 2019Civil servants will spend the next four days cleaning up the record amounts of ejaculate – on average four feet deep across the office – before BoJo gets on with selecting a Chancellor of the Exchequer, because really nothing matters anymore now that’s he’s finally reached his ambition.
Theresa May blows everyone away with her stunning twerking and podium work
July 20, 2019Theresa May boogied away at the Henley festival, showing her famously awkward dance moves to Abba hits ‘Dancing Queen’ and ‘Mamma Mia’ Later on however, she came into her own, blowing everyone away with her mind-blowing grime moves. Young persons then whoop and cheered as she stripped down to her bikini, amazing everyone with her twerking and podium work.
Husbands getting pretty fucked off with how long Love Island is lasting
July 18, 2019The long-running sub-reality show has just surpassed Coronation Street for how long it feels it’s been on TV. Husband, Barry Batterhead, said, “Fuck me. I just want to get on with watching some sub-par BBC drama series for an hour a night, as it’s the only time we watch something together.”
Medical Science to conjoin Trump and Boris (to see if one single entity makes any more sense than constituent parts)
July 17, 2019Conjoined twin girls who were joined at the head have been separated in ground-breaking surgery at Great Ormond Street Hospital. Medical Science will now perform miraculous new surgery to conjoin President Donald Trump and PM-elect Boris Johnson to see if a single entity makes any more sense than the nonsensical constituent parts.
Money launderers and criminals asked to pick new £50 note design
July 16, 2019Computer pioneer Alan Turing will feature on the design of the Bank of England’s new £50 note. The decision was made after consultation with money launderers and criminals who are the only people who actually ever use – or have even seen – them.
Donald Trump denies being xenophobic and suggests anyone who is go back to Xenophobia
July 15, 2019Ms Pelosi described Mr Trump’s tweets as “xenophobic” after he told Democratic congresswomen to “go back” to where “they originally came from. They immediately returned to Detroit, Michigan; Chicago, Illinois and the Bronx, New York; 12 miles from where Mr Trump was born back in times of segregation.
Twitter trolls use site outage to swot up on spelling and grammar
July 12, 2019Large parts of Twitter went down on Thursday to consternation in the UK and America. The sites troll community have used the outage as an opportunity to swot up on their spelling and grammar.
