Following his successful attempt to prorogue parliament, an emboldened Johnson has now taken to bringing a live explosive device into work. The Prime Minister explained “I find people are usually against incredibly destructive weapons of war in the workplace. However, when you wrap something staggeringly dangerous up with a post-it note saying ‘will of the people’, I can do what I want.”
After seeing the results, an underwhelmed Cowell immediately tried to mold his motionless face into the rictus of a scowl as he called fellow X Factor judges for their opinion. Unfortunately, Cheryl was unavailable for comment as no-one could remember her current surname so the conversation ended with a confused Louis Walsh taking it to deadlock.
Ryanair has failed in a legal effort to prevent a 48-hour strike by British pilots in the run-up to the bank holiday weekend, claiming they cannot rule out some small flight delays and/or flight changes. They’re confident that won’t have any impact on customer satisfaction – which is already as low as can be.
Priti Patel intends to immediately restrict free-movement of people across the UKs border in the event of a no-deal brexit on october 31st. The plan was met with derision by various far-right organisations who claimed that this was just the latest in a series of pale facsimiles of existing far-right policy. An EDL insider confirmed that tensions were running high before a press statement by the organisation was issued this morning.
According to white house insiders, Donald Trump has expressed an interest in acquiring Greenland, the world’s largest island and an autonomous country in the Kingdom of Denmark. Upon hearing the plans, a visibly deflated Hitler expressed annoyance at what he sees as an ongoing trend for President Trump to ape the foreign and domestic policies of the 3rd Reich.