Disaster struck the Prime Minister’s Bentley on route to the meeting as it struck one of the North West’s 3.3 billion unfixed potholes. The car required towing to local mechanics ‘John Timms Motors and Repairs’ where Boris Johnson and Dominic Cummings are now believed to be hammering out a competitive deal.
When approached for comment about why, specifically, he hated Thunberg so much Timms asked, several times, if this correspondent could buy him a birthday drink to discuss it further. When it was revealed I was washing my hair and couldn’t attend, a dejected Timms could be heard humming happy birthday to himself while posted a wildly oscillating update claiming Thunberg “Hates men and freedom of speech and needs to shup up!”
When approached for comment about whether comparing the U.K’s current predicament to the incredible Hulk was an infantile and embarrassing analogy that smacked of desperation in the absence of any cohesive plans, staunch Brexiteer spokesman John Timms paused for a long time before answering “No.” through gritted teeth.
“To even suggest the human body just ‘stops’ working without food is just the latest in an increasingly desperate series of lies foisted on the Great British public. And for what? I’ll tell you what. So a group of un-elected bureaucrats in Brussels can cling to the idea that food easily gaining entry in the UK without punishingly inefficient border checks is somehow a good idea.”