As the White House now has more leaks than a urology surgery for pensioners, the News Dump was given exclusive access to WhatsApp correspondence between the aggrieved Trump and his shadowy puppet master Vladimir Putin.
Nation shocked at revelation Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson might lack the common touch
November 30, 2019In what’s sure to be a blow to the self-styled man of the people, a recently uncovered article penned by the Prime Minister in 1995 described the working class as “Feckless, Lazy, Criminal, Aimless and Drunk”
“Some of my best friends are Pickaninnys!” says Boris, attacking Labour’s record on race
November 27, 2019In the wake of scathing remarks directed at Jeremy Corbyn by Britain’s Chief Rabbi in regards to discrimination, Corbyn assured voters anti-semitism had no place in the Labour party. However, Boris Johnson sought to take advantage of the situation by drinking port and loudly announcing “Some of my best friends are Pickanninys!”
Piers Morgan’s rage aneurysm now visible from space as Greggs owner goes vegan
November 18, 2019The chief executive of bakery chain Greggs Roger Whiteside – which sells thousands of meat pasties every week – is trying veganism after seeing a documentary about the health benefits.
Systematic attempts to transform UK into unlivable hellscape revealed as Tory plan to cut immigration
November 15, 2019Number 10 insider John Timms claimed that to deter immigration they’d worn their heart on their sleeve by electing Boris Johnson “We want moving to the UK to make as much sense as investing in a balloon animal stall managed by Edward Scissorhands.”
Results of new NHS medicinal cannabis trial already verified by nation’s 17 year olds
November 4, 2019Up to 20,000 patients in the UK are to be given medical cannabis over a two-year period in an initiative that aims to create the largest body of evidence on the drug in Europe.
Johnson further compounds E.U with “fingers crossed” tactic following photocopied extension request
October 21, 2019Last night, Boris Johnson sent an unsigned photocopy requesting a Brexit extension to comply with the Benn act. He also sent a second letter urging Donald Tusk to reject the request. Following this Machiavellian political manoeuver, Johnson revealed a further bombshell for the E.U negotiators. At the time of agreeing to pay the £39 billion divorce bill, he’d had his fingers crossed -the entire time- voiding the legality of any future demand for payment.
“It’s my way or no deal!” Johnson tells traitor mechanic in negotiation to repair his smouldering Bentley
October 11, 2019Disaster struck the Prime Minister’s Bentley on route to the meeting as it struck one of the North West’s 3.3 billion unfixed potholes. The car required towing to local mechanics ‘John Timms Motors and Repairs’ where Boris Johnson and Dominic Cummings are now believed to be hammering out a competitive deal.
Climate Protestors securely glued to the Department for Transport still outpacing average Northern Rail commuter
October 9, 2019Extinction Rebellion activists have glued themselves to the Department for Transport. They’re still moving faster than most rail passengers.
Boris “will happily ask” for Brexit extension – as “neither hell or high water ever came”
October 4, 2019The UK government has promised the courts that Boris Johnson would send a letter to the EU seeking an extension to article 50 as required by the Benn act.
