Disaster struck the Prime Minister’s Bentley on route to the meeting as it struck one of the North West’s 3.3 billion unfixed potholes. The car required towing to local mechanics ‘John Timms Motors and Repairs’ where Boris Johnson and Dominic Cummings are now believed to be hammering out a competitive deal.
Climate Protestors securely glued to the Department for Transport still outpacing average Northern Rail commuter
October 9, 2019Extinction Rebellion activists have glued themselves to the Department for Transport. They’re still moving faster than most rail passengers.
Boris “will happily ask” for Brexit extension – as “neither hell or high water ever came”
October 4, 2019The UK government has promised the courts that Boris Johnson would send a letter to the EU seeking an extension to article 50 as required by the Benn act.
Boris Johnson pledges continued support for satirical writers by maintaining his idiocy
October 3, 2019In a boost to the already thriving industry, Boris Johnson threw his support behind the satirical writing industry by pledging to continue breaking the law, making speeches that use all known logical fallacies and conjuring campaign promises Caligula might find a little outlandish.
Europe holds its breath as fate of UK’s marmalade exports hangs in balance at latest Brexit negotiations…
September 28, 2019Disconsolate European consumers were left to pick up the pieces as the very real threat of Eccles cake, Smarties and searingly fizzy lager with a battery acid after taste no longer being stocked in supermarkets really began to hit home.
Fully grown man trolling Greta Thunberg celebrates 39th year of virginity
September 26, 2019When approached for comment about why, specifically, he hated Thunberg so much Timms asked, several times, if this correspondent could buy him a birthday drink to discuss it further. When it was revealed I was washing my hair and couldn’t attend, a dejected Timms could be heard humming happy birthday to himself while posted a wildly oscillating update claiming Thunberg “Hates men and freedom of speech and needs to shup up!”
Boris Johnson reveals an unpaid Jeremy Corbyn now serving as head of Conservative party public relations
September 24, 2019Oh his latest hiring, Johnson said “I’ll admit, he got off to a rocky start at PMQ’s… with his questioning, it almost gave me the impression that I should be held accountable for my actions. Almost.”
Johnson denies reading comics all weekend, and fails to explain why the pages of She-Hulk Vol 4 are now all stuck together
September 17, 2019When approached for comment about whether comparing the U.K’s current predicament to the incredible Hulk was an infantile and embarrassing analogy that smacked of desperation in the absence of any cohesive plans, staunch Brexiteer spokesman John Timms paused for a long time before answering “No.” through gritted teeth.
Weapons grade detonation of irony as David Cameron criticises someone else’s handling of Brexit
September 14, 2019“I would have thought the only people Cameron would be talking to would be a bottle of single malt, the business end of a shotgun and whoever he paid to ghost write his suicide note” said everyone, everywhere.
Concept of “Needing Food” dismissed as “Remoaner scaremongering” as Brexiteers call for adoption of WTO dieting
September 13, 2019“To even suggest the human body just ‘stops’ working without food is just the latest in an increasingly desperate series of lies foisted on the Great British public. And for what? I’ll tell you what. So a group of un-elected bureaucrats in Brussels can cling to the idea that food easily gaining entry in the UK without punishingly inefficient border checks is somehow a good idea.”
