Experts are also hopeful that daily exposure rates to Dominic Raab will also now begin to fall. Regular TV viewer John Timms was quoted as saying “I remember when he was just that embarrassing fall-guy who screwed up Brexit negotiations.”
Last friday, the fifth governor of Judea crucified a Jewish citizen for spreading propaganda and potentially quashing a potentially dangerous uprising. Acting on a tip by Judas Iscariot, the Roman’s were able to intercept the seditious Jesus “Rewarded with a 30 silver pieces, this upstanding citizen is an example to us all, Judas will no doubt be remembered for doing the world a great service.” said a jubilant Pontius Pilate.
After testing positive for Corona virus, Boris Johnson urged people to heed advice to self-isolate. Ideally from a well equipped Smeg fridge. “I’ve always found the 6 by 3 foot Smeg to be a space of great comfort whenever Andrew Neill is in the area or whenever Cummings is in one of his ‘bitey’ moods. I’d say it’s ideal for riding out this emergency.”
Instagram model and cutting edge influencer John Timms proudly admitted he’d abandoned cleaning his rectum several days ago. “Panic buying has clearly highlighted a significant overlap in people who didn’t previously wash their hands and people who didn’t previously wipe their arses. No way to compete with that so I’m dressing appropriately to this new post-hygiene society.”