Virus that mostly kills poor people and isn't an STD dismissed as complete non-issue by Boris

Johnson urges everyone to remain in fridge after testing positive for Corona Virus

March 28, 2020

After testing positive for Corona virus, Boris Johnson urged people to heed advice to self-isolate. Ideally from a well equipped Smeg fridge. “I’ve always found the 6 by 3 foot Smeg to be a space of great comfort whenever Andrew Neill is in the area or whenever Cummings is in one of his ‘bitey’ moods. I’d say it’s ideal for riding out this emergency.”

2020 to be put into self-isolation

2020 to be put into self-isolation

March 21, 2020

The warning signs were there as early as 2019 with the election of an inverted mop whose only qualification were casual racism and a undeniably impressive ability to repeatedly cheat on his wife.

Touching cloth this season's bold new look in post toilet roll Britain

Touching cloth this season’s bold new look in post toilet roll Britain

March 11, 2020

Instagram model and cutting edge influencer John Timms proudly admitted he’d abandoned cleaning his rectum several days ago. “Panic buying has clearly highlighted a significant overlap in people who didn’t previously wash their hands and people who didn’t previously wipe their arses. No way to compete with that so I’m dressing appropriately to this new post-hygiene society.”