After testing positive for Corona virus, Boris Johnson urged people to heed advice to self-isolate. Ideally from a well equipped Smeg fridge. “I’ve always found the 6 by 3 foot Smeg to be a space of great comfort whenever Andrew Neill is in the area or whenever Cummings is in one of his ‘bitey’ moods. I’d say it’s ideal for riding out this emergency.”
Nation’s adulterers demand clarification on whether dogging classed as essential journey
March 27, 2020Prolific sex pest John Timms said “Given who’s in Number 10, I’m quietly confident he’ll be sympathetic to my commitment to extra-marital affairs, if my mistress and I let the spark go out just because of a potentially lethal virus then what’s the point of it all?”
2020 to be put into self-isolation
March 21, 2020The warning signs were there as early as 2019 with the election of an inverted mop whose only qualification were casual racism and a undeniably impressive ability to repeatedly cheat on his wife.
Touching cloth this season’s bold new look in post toilet roll Britain
March 11, 2020Instagram model and cutting edge influencer John Timms proudly admitted he’d abandoned cleaning his rectum several days ago. “Panic buying has clearly highlighted a significant overlap in people who didn’t previously wash their hands and people who didn’t previously wipe their arses. No way to compete with that so I’m dressing appropriately to this new post-hygiene society.”
“Whatever happened to #bekind?” Wonders anonymous, sweat free, totally non-sex offending Prince
March 10, 2020“I’ve had to deal with some very hurtful rumours. People have called me a nonce, a letch, a kiddie-fiddler, a pedo and sweaty.” The mystery royal continued “It’s just a symptom of how we don’t associate people in the public eye with having feelings.”
“The cure sounds worse than the disease!” Claim Wetherspoons regulars told to wash their hands
March 6, 2020Health authorities across the country have advised the best way to prevent the spread of Coronavirus is to wash your hands diligently. However, Wetherspoons regular and unemployed derelict John Timms said “Look, me mam told me to wash my hands after going to the toilet. I didn’t listen to her. Just like I haven’t listened to any woman for the last 40 years.”
Virus that mostly kills poor people and isn’t an STD dismissed as complete non-issue by Boris
February 29, 2020When quizzed about the spread of the Coronavirus, the beleaguered prime minister was quoted as saying “If I can’t catch…
“Have patience, our time is soon…” Boris tells fellow Eugenics enthusiast Andrew Sabisky
February 18, 2020Controversial Number 10 advisor Andrew Sabisky had previously suggested clear intellectual differences between racial groups and advocated preventing poor people from having children.
“Look, I was only Leave to further my career” says Boris – offering olive branch to Remain supporters
February 4, 2020Sensing that Britain was still, somehow, a divided nation in spite of leaving the E.U last Friday. Boris Johnson attempted to build bridges with remain voters by admitting he only lied repeatedly and doubled back on his 2013 remain position in order to further his own career.
Tories relieved “Comrade Corbyn” lost as Boris announces rail nationalisation and 5g with Communist China
January 31, 2020The north of England’s largest rail commuter service has been taken back into public ownership after years of poor performance. The transport secretary claimed “people had lost trust in the rail network”.
