Experts are also hopeful that daily exposure rates to Dominic Raab will also now begin to fall. Regular TV viewer John Timms was quoted as saying “I remember when he was just that embarrassing fall-guy who screwed up Brexit negotiations.”
Government admits PPE shortage, also admits something “fishy” about Prince Andrew and hints at egg/mayonnaise link
April 19, 2020The government has accepted that some personal protective equipment (PPE) is in short supply, unions confirmed that NHS staff may refuse to work if their safety couldn’t be guaranteed.
Self-Employed man excited to learn how government will screw him out of 80% earnings grant
April 16, 2020Self-employed tiler John Timms admitted he was genuinely curious to learn how the government planned to U-Turn on their promise to issue the 80% grant during the lock-down period.
Priti Patel warns that lockdown could last until Augustober the 39th
April 14, 2020Pausing briefly to order nine twelve forty cups of coffee, the home secretary advised it was crucial people remained in their homes apart from essential shopping and their allotted 60 hours of hourly exercise.
“Well, that’s definitely the last we’ll see of him.” announces supremely confident Pontius Pilate
April 10, 2020Last friday, the fifth governor of Judea crucified a Jewish citizen for spreading propaganda and potentially quashing a potentially dangerous uprising. Acting on a tip by Judas Iscariot, the Roman’s were able to intercept the seditious Jesus “Rewarded with a 30 silver pieces, this upstanding citizen is an example to us all, Judas will no doubt be remembered for doing the world a great service.” said a jubilant Pontius Pilate.
5G conspiracy theorist hasn’t had sex since introduction of 3G
April 9, 2020“I first started to notice it when 3G was introduced. I would talk to women and they wouldn’t have sex with me. I wanted to make sure it wasn’t just me, and lo and behold, all my online conspiracy theory friends seemed to be having trouble sleeping with women.”
Johnson urges everyone to remain in fridge after testing positive for Corona Virus
March 28, 2020After testing positive for Corona virus, Boris Johnson urged people to heed advice to self-isolate. Ideally from a well equipped Smeg fridge. “I’ve always found the 6 by 3 foot Smeg to be a space of great comfort whenever Andrew Neill is in the area or whenever Cummings is in one of his ‘bitey’ moods. I’d say it’s ideal for riding out this emergency.”
Nation’s adulterers demand clarification on whether dogging classed as essential journey
March 27, 2020Prolific sex pest John Timms said “Given who’s in Number 10, I’m quietly confident he’ll be sympathetic to my commitment to extra-marital affairs, if my mistress and I let the spark go out just because of a potentially lethal virus then what’s the point of it all?”
2020 to be put into self-isolation
March 21, 2020The warning signs were there as early as 2019 with the election of an inverted mop whose only qualification were casual racism and a undeniably impressive ability to repeatedly cheat on his wife.
Touching cloth this season’s bold new look in post toilet roll Britain
March 11, 2020Instagram model and cutting edge influencer John Timms proudly admitted he’d abandoned cleaning his rectum several days ago. “Panic buying has clearly highlighted a significant overlap in people who didn’t previously wash their hands and people who didn’t previously wipe their arses. No way to compete with that so I’m dressing appropriately to this new post-hygiene society.”
