There are still many who think the wintry conditions are a wonderful excuse for a day of fun and relaxation. “It all looked a bit dicey outside so I just stayed in bed for a bit before going into the garden and building a crap snowman. Work’s just not important in the grand scheme of things,” said Prime Minister Theresa May. “That Brexit deal can wait!”
The largest manufacturer of Cornish pasties – Ginsters – said the vegan alternative was a travesty. “We pride ourselves on making traditional Cornish fare such as the chicken tikka slice,” said a spokesman. “New products can’t just rock up calling themselves Cornish without understanding or respecting our heritage.
Social media star Boo the Pomeranian dog has died at the age of 12. Sources close to Boo’s family suggest…
The Italian government is preparing a gastronomic repatriation scheme – because of the sheer number of Italian chefs who face the prospect of losing jobs in UK restaurants and being sent home Penne-less. Germany has finally developed a national sense of humour – after two years watching the incompetence of the British administration, they now understand the meaning of the word ‘joke’.
Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn has refused to join talks unless the threat of a no-deal exit is ruled out. Hang on, isn’t that just the sort of thing he should be talking to the Prime Minister about? Instead, Corbyn has chosen to lock himself in the bathroom, hoping that Theresa May starts knocking on the door saying, “Come downstairs Jeremy, I’ve made you your favourite – bland, colourless chicken with the spine removed.”
Prime Minister Theresa May’s Brexit deal has been rejected by 230 votes. Humiliated and in tears, the deal immediately fled the Parliamentary estate, went straight to the nearest Sainsbury’s Local and stocked up on several large tubs of ice cream. However, all the flavours somehow reminded it of the terrible mess of Brexit…
A UK company, Emergency Food Storage UK, has launched a ‘Brexit Box’ survival kit. It contains 60 portions of main meals plus 48 portions of meat, a water filter and a fire starter for heating water. Thank God somebody is finally addressing the main problem commonly associated with changes to border control – boiler failure.