“For only £1,000 you can get your bins collected once a month helping you to avoid plague, pestilence and death. For £5,000 a pothole of your choice within half a mile of your home will temporarily be filled in. We’ll even throw in disruptive traffic lights in an area where no actual work is being completed.”
Boris Johnson – the man who was too fucking useless to be Foreign Secretary but who now wants to be Prime Minister – has told a Tory leadership hustings that their party won’t be forgiven if they don’t deliver Brexit and that they face ‘potential extinction.’ He has therefore appropriated the methods and rhetoric of climate change protestors and glued himself to Number 10 until he’s bloody well made Prime Minister and allowed to implement a jolly sensible no-deal Brexit.
Mrs May will continue as prime minister while the leadership contest takes place. So despite her teary resignation speech it’s quite likely she’ll still be in PM in three years. She’s basically the Japanese Knotweed of politicians – for years you don’t even notice she’s there and then suddenly she’s causing chaos and impossible to get rid of.
Throughout her Premiership Theresa May has apparently done her very best to create an equitable, classless society while somehow managing to preserve the status quo of a wealthy elite and disenfranchised underclass. Her strategy to create a better life for those living in poverty can kindly be described as ‘counter-intuitive’.
The Conservative party said the leadership contest would begin on 10 June, with MPs allowed to whittle down a large field of candidates to a shortlist by the end of that month. With Mrs May’s career now set to go on a permanent walking holiday the full list of candidates most likely to replace her is as follows:
A bill implementing the Brexit deal will be introduced in the first week of June, the government has confirmed. Downing Street said this was imperative if MPs were to have the opportunity of roundly rejecting Theresa May’s Brexit deal a fourth time before going off on their incredibly long summer holidays.
Tusk said, “Today the chance that Brexit will not happen is, in my opinion, 20-30%. That’s a lot.” Indeed, it’s about ten times more likely than a cold, hard fact coming out of Nigel Farage’s mouth – statisticians estimate the likelihood of that to be around 3% based on the ‘stopped clock’ paradigm.
Millennials are not only waiting on a lucrative inheritance to get on the property ladder but they also have to rummage through mum and dad’s kitchen bin in order to find food. “Bin juice smells bad but surely it’s all just broken down fruit and vegetables and must therefore be quite nutritious,” one millennial told us in between severe bouts of vomiting and diarrhoea. “And it’s free!