Work has already started on this year’s John Lewis Christmas advert and it will, as ever, reflect the spirit of the times. The much-anticipated ad will be the company’s most emotional yet. It will depict a loving husband making a huge sacrifice to give his wife the greatest gift of all – a shit-free anus.
The Director General had reassured fans that a complete cessation of production won’t prevent new episodes of the soap airing each night on BBC One. “EastEnders will continue to reflect British society. This means that spooky footage of an abandoned Albert Square will be broadcast for half an hour every evening. We may add the odd corpse or perhaps a feverish resident staggering about screaming for help which will never come – it really depends on how things progress in the real world.”
“For only £1,000 you can get your bins collected once a month helping you to avoid plague, pestilence and death. For £5,000 a pothole of your choice within half a mile of your home will temporarily be filled in. We’ll even throw in disruptive traffic lights in an area where no actual work is being completed.”
Boris Johnson – the man who was too fucking useless to be Foreign Secretary but who now wants to be Prime Minister – has told a Tory leadership hustings that their party won’t be forgiven if they don’t deliver Brexit and that they face ‘potential extinction.’ He has therefore appropriated the methods and rhetoric of climate change protestors and glued himself to Number 10 until he’s bloody well made Prime Minister and allowed to implement a jolly sensible no-deal Brexit.
Mrs May will continue as prime minister while the leadership contest takes place. So despite her teary resignation speech it’s quite likely she’ll still be in PM in three years. She’s basically the Japanese Knotweed of politicians – for years you don’t even notice she’s there and then suddenly she’s causing chaos and impossible to get rid of.
Throughout her Premiership Theresa May has apparently done her very best to create an equitable, classless society while somehow managing to preserve the status quo of a wealthy elite and disenfranchised underclass. Her strategy to create a better life for those living in poverty can kindly be described as ‘counter-intuitive’.
The Conservative party said the leadership contest would begin on 10 June, with MPs allowed to whittle down a large field of candidates to a shortlist by the end of that month. With Mrs May’s career now set to go on a permanent walking holiday the full list of candidates most likely to replace her is as follows: