Some Instagrammers already include ‘#ad’ in the captions of paid-for posts. It’s been suggested that Morgan could label his neediest posts with something similarly succinct. Perhaps: #twat. Of course, this would give him five fewer letters to tweet with – possibly overkill, given that he already suffers from a colossal deficit of character.
The BBC’s salary report for 2017-18 revealed Gary Lineker to be the highest paid on-air star. The report showed that Lineker was paid in the region of ALL THE MONEY, while the salary of the highest paid on-air woman, Emily Maitlis, amounted to a signed photo of Gary, with his trademark cheeky grin partially obscured by a greasy thumbprint.
“We all laughed at that photo of the seal with the eel in his nose, didn’t we? But he knew what he was doing,” shouted one man, as he waded further into the water with eyes like disco balls and an eel dangling from each nostril. He was later witnessed screaming, “I’m the king of the world!” and pounding his chest like a gorilla, before eventually disappearing beneath the water – another victim of London’s pervasive eel culture.
Under the proposed changes, anyone caught trying to sneak an extra Hovis Best of Both through the self-service checkouts at ASDA would immediately be taken to a place of execution and hanged by the neck until they are dead. It has been suggested that the supermarket car park might be an ideal venue, with the condemned to be charged 10p if they forget to bring a reusable execution hood.
Despite the mixed reception for his outfit, Cooper says the experience hasn’t put him off ‘testing the boundaries of men’s red carpet fashion’, and he’s got a very special collaboration with a local fishmonger planned for next month, when, he assures us: ‘A Star is Born will definitely win every single Oscar. No question.’
Many existing apps are enhanced by the phone’s supple form. When the user opens Tinder, the FlexPai will literally bend over backwards to demonstrate positions from the Karma Sutra. Some testers reported the resulting display to be so arousing in its own right that Tinder was no longer ‘required’…whatever that means.