Social media stars to declare when they’re posting for money. Piers Morgan to declare when he’s being a tosser for attention

Social media stars to declare when they’re posting for money. Piers Morgan to follow suit and declare when he’s being a tosser for attention.

January 23, 2019

Some Instagrammers already include ‘#ad’ in the captions of paid-for posts. It’s been suggested that Morgan could label his neediest posts with something similarly succinct. Perhaps: #twat. Of course, this would give him five fewer letters to tweet with – possibly overkill, given that he already suffers from a colossal deficit of character.

Eels in the Thames ‘buzzing’ off the cocaine Londoners (literally) piss away. City’s Bankers immediately flock to the river in search of slippery new highs.

January 22, 2019

“We all laughed at that photo of the seal with the eel in his nose, didn’t we? But he knew what he was doing,” shouted one man, as he waded further into the water with eyes like disco balls and an eel dangling from each nostril. He was later witnessed screaming, “I’m the king of the world!” and pounding his chest like a gorilla, before eventually disappearing beneath the water – another victim of London’s pervasive eel culture.

Government considers scrapping jail sentences for minor offenders. “Hanging is far more cost-effective” say ministers.

January 13, 2019

Under the proposed changes, anyone caught trying to sneak an extra Hovis Best of Both through the self-service checkouts at ASDA would immediately be taken to a place of execution and hanged by the neck until they are dead. It has been suggested that the supermarket car park might be an ideal venue, with the condemned to be charged 10p if they forget to bring a reusable execution hood.