“That’s just typical of this government – blaming their failings on a minority group. Just because you can’t see us most of the time doesn’t mean we aren’t there!” Also in attendance was Guy Fawkes, who asked, “Where am I supposed to get treatment for being hung, drawn and quartered if not our NHS?”
Boris Johnson has vowed that is he is elected as the new Prime Minister, he will cut income tax for those earning more than £50,000 a year. When asked what tax breaks he proposed for those earning less than £50,000 a year, he looked confused. “Less than £50,000? No one actually earns less than £50,000 a year, do they?”
“The social constructs of calendars, dates times are all illusions we have woven for ourselves, you know?” said Mr. Gove at a press conference. He appeared unfocused and mellow and his remarks lasted just over 4 hours. “What you say is Monday, might not be the same as what I say is Monday, yeah? It’s like… Monday could be Tuesday. Do you see what I’m saying? Monday could BE Tuesday, guys!”
A patch made of million of stem cells that can help the heart to pump might also be able to help repair the damage cause by a heart attack, say researchers. They are hoping that it will be ready for human trials by the time the next Prime Minister is elected. “This patch might be able to help us determine if the next PM actually has a heart or not,” said a head researcher.
“Obviously this latest selection of MPs in the cabinet have been an absolute disaster,” said a spokesman for Mrs. May. “Unable to make a decision, unable to understand the issues at hand, unable to even turn up on time!” If tuition fees are cut, the projection is that the average IQ of a cabinet minister may rise by as much at 15% over the next 5 years.
Michael Gove has pledged that if he becomes the next Prime Minister he will allow EU nationals living in the UK to apply for citizenship free of charge. “Free of charge of course in this case pertains only to money,” said Mr. Gove. “As an alternative, each candidate will be required to sign away their immortal soul using their own blood as ink. I think it is a fair price to pay to become a UK citizen and of course, to avoid all of that other annoying paperwork!”
Citizens of the EU living in the UK were angry after finding they were unable to vote in the European…
Mrs Leadsom resigned because she said the new Brexit plan has, “elements I cannot support, that aren’t Brexit.” The PM appeared puzzled by this until senior advisors explained that for some people, acting in a way at odds with their fundamental beliefs about democracy causes them to feel uncomfortable, and then they take action for example, resigning their political position.
The Prince is passionate about environmentalism and is expected to give a seminar to Mr. Trump to aid in his education. Subjects to be covered include, ‘water is wet’, ‘ice is cold’, ‘the Earth is getting warmer’, and ‘warm ice melts.’ A spokesman for Prince Charles said, ‘Though these can be difficult concepts to grasp, the Prince is committed to leading President Trump step by step through these key points, so that he might better understand what is happening to the world around him.