Boris vows to cut income tax for high earners and let the poor eat cake

Boris vows to cut income tax for high earners and let the poor eat cake

June 10, 2019

Boris Johnson has vowed that is he is elected as the new Prime Minister, he will cut income tax for those earning more than £50,000 a year. When asked what tax breaks he proposed for those earning less than £50,000 a year, he looked confused.  “Less than £50,000? No one actually earns less than £50,000 a year, do they?”

Gove says Brexit deadline is not binding because, time and space are just like, concepts, man.

Gove says Brexit deadline is not binding because, “time and space are just like, concepts, man.”

June 6, 2019

“The social constructs of calendars, dates times are all illusions we have woven for ourselves, you know?” said Mr. Gove at a press conference. He appeared unfocused and mellow and his remarks lasted just over 4 hours. “What you say is Monday, might not be the same as what I say is Monday, yeah? It’s like… Monday could be Tuesday. Do you see what I’m saying? Monday could BE Tuesday, guys!”

Scientific breakthrough in healthy heart technology will be trialed on whoever is the next PM to check they have one

Groundbreaking healthy heart technology will be trialed on whoever becomes next PM – to double check they don’t have one

June 5, 2019

A patch made of million of stem cells that can help the heart to pump might also be able to help repair the damage cause by a heart attack, say researchers. They are hoping that it will be ready for human trials by the time the next Prime Minister is elected. “This patch might be able to help us determine if the next PM actually has a heart or not,” said a head researcher.

Gove pledges to offer UK citizenship to EU nationals in exchange for their immortal souls

Gove pledges to offer UK citizenship to EU nationals in exchange for their immortal souls

May 28, 2019

Michael Gove has pledged that if he becomes the next Prime Minister he will allow EU nationals living in the UK to apply for citizenship free of charge. “Free of charge of course in this case pertains only to money,” said Mr. Gove. “As an alternative, each candidate will  be required to sign away their immortal soul using their own blood as ink. I think it is a fair price to pay to become a UK citizen and of course, to avoid all of that other annoying paperwork!”

Theresa May is to meet the 1922 executive to offer 'clear understanding' of the rough outline of the draft timetable of her eventual departure from number 10, possibly

Andrea Leadsom resigns. “Oh, THAT’s how you do it!” says Theresa May. “It’s that easy?!”

May 23, 2019

Mrs Leadsom resigned because she said the new Brexit plan has, “elements I cannot support, that aren’t Brexit.” The PM appeared puzzled by this until senior advisors explained that for some people, acting in a way at odds with their fundamental beliefs about democracy causes them to feel uncomfortable, and then they take action for example, resigning their political position.

After his years of talking to plants, Prince Charles regarded as best qualified to explain Global Warming to vegetable

After his years of talking to plants, Prince Charles regarded as best qualified to explain Global Warming to vegetable.

May 22, 2019

The Prince is passionate about environmentalism and is expected to give a seminar to Mr. Trump to aid in his education. Subjects to be covered include, ‘water is wet’, ‘ice is cold’, ‘the Earth is getting warmer’, and ‘warm ice melts.’ A spokesman for Prince Charles said, ‘Though these can be difficult concepts to grasp, the Prince is committed to leading President Trump step by step through these key points, so that he might better understand what is happening to the world around him.