In a stark warning to the world leaders and business chiefs flocking to the World Economic Forum this week, Attenborough warned that the only conditions that humans have known are changing fast.
The aging monkey-lover and creepy-crawly advocate then went on to confess it was all his fault.
Speaking at the start of the WEF in Davos, Switzerland, the 92-year-old naturalist and broadcaster warned that human activity has taken the world into a new era, threatening to undermine civilisation.
“The Holocene has ended. The Garden of Eden is no more. We have changed the world so much that scientists say we are in a new geological age: the Anthropocene, the age of humans.”
Attenborough delivered his stark warning to the rich and powerful, “But don’t blame yourselves. Don’t even blame the millions of mouth breathers sitting reading this news clip eating their take-away shite from plastic bags.”
“I confess the melting of the ice caps, the erosion of formerly productive arable lands, droughts, floods, and all that other bollocks. It’s entirely down to me.”
“For over fifty years I’ve been travelling the world with a huge support team of producers, camera men security guards, make-up artists and hangers on to study nature in situ. I, and my team, have circumnavigated the globe literally hundreds of times. Stupidly I used jumbo jets, oil burning ships and big off road gas-guzzling vehicles to get around. I didn’t walk or use my bike. I know that was dumb now. Every time I see a clip of another huge chunk of ice dropping into the sea my guts churn.”
Attenborough concluded his speech with a message to mankind:
“Sorry to have been such a selfish shit. To those that believe in reincarnation, when I die I promise I’ll come back as a Tesco grow bag.”