Assange un-phased by arrest. “Confined spaces and pooping in the corner? That’s my jam!”

Home Affairs, UK Politics, World News
Assange un-phased by arrest. Confined spaces and pooping in the corner? That's my jam!

Wikileaks co-founder, one-time sexual assault charge-ee, and poster boy for the petulant-gamers-holed-up-in-their-parents’-back-bedroom generation, Julian Assange, has been arrested.

In an extremely classy and innocent move, Mr Assange has been hiding out in the Ecuadorian embassy for seven years to avoid extradition to Sweden over a sexual assault case that has since been dropped. His actions have fuelled the idea that sexual assault charges are like student debts, if you sit them out long enough, you don’t have to deal with them.

The doors to the embassy flung open on Thursday morning to reveal a faint whiff of mange and The Met Police carrying a bearded Mr Assange. Leading many to question why the Ecuadorians wouldn’t let him tag a Mach3 on the end of their Tesco big shop.

Now Assange is in police custody, with the potential to face jail time, he is among an exclusive number of felons who don’t have to acclimatise themselves to a life of confined spaces and pooping in the corner. While the embassy did have proper toilet facilities, Mr Assange preferred the ‘natural’ approach.

The Met Police have said that Mr Assange has been arrested for failing to surrender to the court, while the embassy is pushing for additional ‘carpet fouling’ charges.

Ecuador’s president Lenin Moreno said the embassy withdrew Mr Assange’s asylum after his repeated violations to international conventions and for constantly labelling food in the fridge that clearly wasn’t his. He went on to say “Those egg mayo sandwiches belonged to Ms González, and he knew it!”

Scotland Yard was invited into the embassy by the ambassador, following the Ecuadorian government’s asylum withdrawal. While there, they also asked for asylum in the event of continued Brexit negotiations.

Ever ones for futile yet pathetic political gestures, Wikileaks tweeted that Ecuador is in “violation of international law” for revoking Mr Assange’s political asylum, before retweeting a video from the Darwin Awards of a man lighting his own farts.

It is believed that Mr Assange is looking forward to a spacious cell, as his room at the embassy was constantly changing, depending on how well he got on with staff. Last we know, he was camped out in an airing cupboard on the upstairs landing. That’s when the cat wasn’t sleeping there.

He’s also hoping they have a better selection of DVDs as “There’s only so many times you can watch Maid in Manhattan”.

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