Army to be deployed in the case of ‘No Deal’ Brexit. To pop the kettle on, and tell us it’s all going to be ok.

Politics, UK Politics

Military planners have been dispatched by the MOD to key ministries, including the cabinet office, to draw up plans for ‘preventing chaos’ in the case of a ‘No Deal Brexit’.

On the morning of the 30th March, soldiers will be deployed on the streets of Britain – entering homes across the UK –  to pop the kettle on, make us all a brew, and remind us Brits to keep calm and carry on.

They’ll be doing whatever it takes to ensure life in the UK can continue as normal.

In London, where Brexit’s expected to have the biggest impact, the army will directly assist any Millennial Remainer’s too distraught to eat their sushi – feeding them by hand.

Soldiers have been briefed on the importance of posting a picture of the meal to Instagram first – so as not aggravate the condition any further.

Troops deployed in Middle England are being equipped for urban combat with MG42 Dysons to keep hallways spick and span, and Centurion sewing machines for fixing the hems of any observed fraying curtains.

Their training will include ‘how to read the Daily Mail from cover to cover’, and ‘being just the right amount of racist to be able to fit in’.

Cabinet ministers are in open disagreement about just how bad things will be if we leave the bloc with no deal in place – but defence secretary Gavin Williams insists Britain can succeed under any Brexit scenario.

The MOD has embarrasingly had to return 400 cases of Trill Budgie Food and 12 kilos of straws, however – after one very confused Private misheard succeed as ‘suck seed’.

(Additional Material: Roy Darby)
Simon Paul Miller

Written By: Simon Paul Miller

Writer for The News Dump, The Rhyming Detective podcast, Big Finish (Doctor Who Short Trips audio story 'Seven To One') and BBC Radio's Newsjack, Newsjack Unplugged & Breaking The News.
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