Think you’re British? Think that St George’s flag wafting in the wind atop your garden flag pole is proof? Perhaps you’re more the quietly British type; you enjoy an afternoon tea and a cucumber sandwich as you read your Sunday paper. Or maybe, you’re applying for citizenship and you need to prove that not only do you belong here, but you know your British shit.
We’ve tried out the Citizenship test and frankly, if knowing who was reigning in England when English settlers first
invaded colonised the eastern coast of America makes you British, at least one of the News Dump team is heading for the tower.
We reckon the following questions are far more likely to prove British citizenship. Come on, give them a go…
1. The government attempts to do something that the majority of people didn’t vote for. Do you…
a. Join a protest on the streets against the government
b. Get your gun and try to overthrow the government
c. Make a tut tut noise then put the kettle on
2. What is the most appropriate farewell?
a. (Handshake) Goodbye
b. (Wave) I’ll see you later
c. (Patting knees) Riiiight, best be off then
3. Complete this phrase: ‘The name’s…’
a. Johnson, Boris Johnson
b. Bond, James Bond
c. Partingdon-Smythe, Lord Henry Cecil Fitzroy Herbert Partingdon-Smythe
4. What did Dirty Den give his wife, Angie, on Christmas Day, 1986:
a. Extra pigs in blankets
b. The keys to the Queen Vic
c. Divorce Papers
d. The clap
5. What is the best way to be funny?
a. Come up with a new joke
b. Repeat a well known joke
c. Shout ‘four candles’ at every opportunity whether it’s relevant to the conversation or not.
6. What us the proper post wedding celebration?
a. Banquet in a dining hall
b. Large outdoor gathering
c. Shit disco in a working men’s club
7. Are you susceptible to subliminal stimuli?
p. I’ll vote UKIP
8. Who/What is George Osbourne?
a. A former member of Black Sabbath, famous for his weary fictional fly-on-the-wall series
b. A small stream on the Somerset/Devon border
c. A c*nt
9. Spitfires and Lancasters are:
a. Fine examples of WWII Aircraft
b. The title of the abandoned Oasis reunion album
c. The answer to the RAF budgeting problem in post-Brexit Britain. WE VOTED TO LEAVE YOU KNOW!!!!
10. Jez’s rugby teammates decide to prank him on his stag night by shackling him naked to a streetlamp. Jez later freezes to death. This is:
c. Just a bit of banter ‘innit
11. Prince Andrew, Duke of York was:
a. Completely unaware of Jeffrey Epstein’s activities
b. Completely unaware of Jeffrey Epstein’s activities
c. Completely unaware of Jeffrey Epstein’s activities
d. Completely unaware of Jeffrey Epstein’s activities
e. Completely unaware of Jeffrey Epstein’s activities
12. If someone accidentally bumps into you in the street, do you:
a. Apologise as if it were your fault
b. Call them a prick
c. Follow them until they apologise to you
13. What is a Test Match?
a. A trial game, doesn’t really matter
b. The pinnacle of sporting competition
c. A Pimms drinking marathon
d. Sorry, I fell asleep, what was the question?
Mostly a’s: You’re a teensy bit British, but conflicted and possibly spell things using the American spelling. So get out.
Mostly b’s, Get your coat.
If you answered mostly c’s, congratulations, you’re officially British.
In the event you do not get mostly c’s, don’t panic, there is a single, alternative, ‘To The Death’ question:
Q. Chucklevision or Blue Peter? (By to the death we mean that if you get this wrong, it’s death by firing Squad in The Tower)
A. AS IF THERE IS ANY OTHER ANSWER. TO ME. TO YOU!