The BBC’s inquisitor-in-chief Andrew Neil is busy making sure his Chinese burn technique is practised to perfection in readiness for a TV interview with Boris Johnson.
The Prime Minister has so far failed to agree a date to appear on a show being questioned by Mr Neil.
Many people are claiming Mr Johnson is running scared, afraid of being confronted by the Brillo-haired journalist who enjoys the reputation of bringing more politicians to their knees than an S&M dominatrix.
However Mr Neil is paying no attention to the hype swirling around the potential duel. Instead he’s assuming the battle will take place and – with the dedicated efficiency of a journalistic Samurai – concentrating his mind, body and spirit in readiness for the battle to come.
“Boris will be mine, oh yes he will be mine. I think my favourite technique to soften him up is going to be the Chinese burn. Just the thought of twisting the acres of gammony pudgy pink flesh on his flabby forearm and watching it squidge upwards as my vice-like grip begins to take a hold is really quite exhilarating,” grinned the grandmaster of political disembowelments.
The Labour party has demanded that Mr Johnson must make himself available to questioning by the tough-talking former editor of The Sunday Times, and the programme has to be broadcast before the General Election.
Labour spokesman Tony Cragg said: “Did you see what Andrew Neil did to Jeremy Corbyn on the telly last week? It made the Emily Maitlis interview with Prince Andrew look like a tea party.
“In the interests of fair play it’s only right Posh Boy Boris goes through the same traumatic experience that Jeremy had.”
Asked about subjecting himself to a televised meeting with Mr Neil, the Prime Minister replied: “I might possibly have some kind of TV chat with Andrew at some stage.
“But to be honest I’ve booked a lot of late-night technology lessons with attractive American tutors in the next few weeks, so I’m pretty busy trying to bone up for that.”