The government’s flagship welfare reform is accused of being responsible for much misery inflicted upon the most vulnerable in society. One of the symptoms of this universally loathed benefits reform is the rocketing use of food banks.
Work and Pensions Secretary, Amber Rudd, finally acknowledged the rising food bank usage was a result of this lunatic and punishing welfare reform.
“Since slithering my way through the back door into the cabinet to take this shitty ‘dead scouser’s shoes’ job, I’ve been racking my brains as to what the link was between the rising use of food banks and (yawn) Universal Credit,” said a sleepy ‘ball gown onesie’ clad Amber Rudd whilst awakening from a short nap in a teapot, “At first I thought it was (yawn) due to the recipients of the new benefit’s lazy servants not getting to the shops before they closed. Then I thought it was nothing more than a coincidence, and more likely (yawn) to be something to do with the Harrods or Ocado delivery drivers recently taking to leaving the food hamper (yawn) somewhere where the recipients couldn’t find it, in the gardener’s hut or something.”
At this point in the interview, Rudd nodded off. When she awoke, the sleepy-eyed Work and Pensions Minister continued, “But the answer suddenly came to me in a (yawn) flash. These people weren’t using their trust funds and annuities properly, or (yawn) tapping into their stocks and shares dividends funds in a timely way. So I’ve decided to (yawn) take immediate and decisive action. Henceforth claimants will have to wait an extra six weeks for the first payment. This will give them time (yawn) to properly consult with their brokers and accountants, to allow sufficient time to secure a reasonable capital lump sum to draw down from until state benefits are (yawn) eventually paid. Night night!”
Ms. Rudd then slipped back inside the teapot for a proper zizz, popping the lid on as she slid out of sight.