TV star Jeremy Clarkson has defended his plans to build a shop on his farm after some villagers objected.
What the villagers can’t seem to appreciate is Amazon Prime has sunk millions of dollars into making Clarkson’s ‘scripted’ farm troubles into a major hit. The farm shop will be run by a moody Lesbian in a wheelchair, which should set up multiple chaos scenes with Jeremys ‘take no prisoners’ attitude. Amazon are also talking about a slightly inbred, mentally challenged farming assistant that Jeremy can take the piss out of when things go wrong – and boy will they!
The presenter also wants to construct a lambing shed at Diddly Squat Farm and for the site to have car parking and “potential for occasional film-making”.
“It’s going to be a fucking film set,” wailed no-nonsense villager Jane Frobisher. “The only reason those pieces of cow shit want to build a Lambing shed is for script material. They’ve paid double the price for Farmer Pete’s broken tractor – why? I’ll tell you fucking why… because it’s the premise for episode three. Guess who pops up to help fix it? That’s right – those two other turd-like acolytes, Ratboy and scruffy bollocks.”
The former Top Gear host’s response comes after Amazon announced a new show will following Mr Clarkson attempting to “run his very own 1000-acre working farm” despite being “inept townie”. Amazon has not said if the series, which has a working title of I Bought The Farm, is dependent on planning permission being granted.
“Bullshit!” Claimed Netflix executive Dick Ruger. “How can you have escalation in a script if you’re standing in a wheat field looking at a fucking scarecrow? Unless that scarecrow is Theresa May… with a gun to her head… wearing just a bra and panties – Have Amazon signed Theresa May? Sonofabitch!”
The working title for the series is also up for debate, other suggestions have included: ‘Clarkson meets the children of the corn’, ‘Field of nightmares’ and the basic but poignant ‘Cunt on a farm’.