Aldi calls for benefits increase as profits fall

Business
Aldi calls for benefits increase as profits fall

Bosses at Aldi have called on the government to increase benefits after seeing profits fall by 18%.

The news comes as the company pledged to open a new store in the UK every week.

CEO Giles Hurley said, ‘Our plans will go a long way to fixing the economy, but we can’t do it alone. We can only provide good quality, reasonably priced food – alongside a whole load of random shit that nobody wants – but it’s down to the government to put money in people’s pockets.’

We spoke to Courtney, a regular Aldi customer who told us, ‘It’s just not fair. I mean after they banned Jeremy Kyle, shopping at Aldi became the best way to spend my days. I used to love looking at all their rip off versions of stuff, and the middle aisle took me right back to my childhood. It was like a jumble sale and I always loved going home with some random bit of tat that had caught me eye. They were great days and every time I come home, I look up at the flat and see the wheelie bin I bought proudly displayed on the balcony, and it gives me a warm fuzzy feeling – like heroine just a bit cheaper. But since they slashed my benefits, I’ve had to cut right back to 100 fags and 2 bottles of vodka a week, and the poor kids eat nothing but Pot Noodles and oven chips. But do the government care? Do they bollocks?’

Mr Hurley agreed with Courtney and described her as ‘forgotten’ by the government. ‘People like Courtney are our lifeblood.’ He said. ‘They love a bargain, they’ll buy literally anything, and without them our range of shopping pyjamas just wouldn’t sell.’

According to research consultancy Kantar, Aldi alone took £7bn worth of sales from rival supermarkets last year.

Which they then repackaged and sold at a discount.

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