Ageing White Men agree that Ageing White Men make the best films

Entertainment, Art & Culture
Ageing White Men agree that Ageing White Men make the best films copy

This year’s Oscar nominations have reignited the row about representation in Hollywood

And it’s unanimously agreed, by ageing white men, that ageing white men are still at the vanguard of the movie industry and dominating the Oscar nominations, as they have done since 1929. Ageing White Men simply make the best movies.

The 2020 nominations for Best Director are all male

“Once again, it is artistically proven that if a studio wants to have a movie worthy of an Academy Award, an ageing white man is a safe pair of hands”, fictional Hollywood film critic Bernie Cross (54) stated, “and I do mean that metaphorically before all you Harvey Weinstein haters out there get on my back”.

In the best supporting actor category, the average age of the nominees is 71.

“Lovely to see Brad Pitt (56) making a breaking through as an ageing white man”, film editor for Club 67-100 Magazine Gerald Hatrick (64) wrote in his pension day column, “Just such a shame Michael Douglas Snr (102) didn’t make a movie last year, we could’ve got the average age above eighty for another Academy First”

Despite Taron Egerton  (30) winning a Golden Globe for ‘Rocket Man’, he has been edged out of a nomination by Jonathan Pryce (72) for ‘The Two Popes’.

“Taron’s performance, as a white man playing a white man, was incredible and just what The Academy is looking for”, Academy representative Warren Zen O’Phobe (72) eulogised, “Such a shame, for Taron,  that a superior performance from an ageing white man, playing an ageing white catholic man  was already committed to celluloid”

Over the past 10 years, 49 out of the 50 best director nominees have been men.

“I honestly don’t know why we bother with the ‘actress’ categories”, puffed media executive Hans Roving (78), “The artistic output of ageing white men are clearly what the public want. Just look at ‘The Irishman’ three ageing white men each playing an ageing white man, produced and directed by an ageing white man. It’s a thing of beauty. I could cry”

The average age of the Leading Actress category is 40, versus 60 for Leading Actor

“Which reinforces the fact that the best actresses in this inferior category are those under forty”, said Academy panelist and female talent procurer for studio executives  Ms Sorge O’Nyst (61), “I mean, have you seen Dame Judi in ‘Cats’. No, neither have I. Not many people have following all those reviews by superior ageing white men

Finally, nineteen of the 20 nominations for the 2020 Oscars acting awards this year are white

“A wonderful result for all far-right thinking men”, stated a political activist in the Medway Towns applying ‘educational’ stickers up on lampposts, for a birthday celebration in April, “I shall celebrate by dashing home and playing Morrisey’s latest album, whilst reading old back issues of ‘Searchlight’ “


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